Posted by: Montle GP | 2009-06-15

Depressed and suicidal thoughts

Morning Doc

I' m sorry but this is going to a bit a long.

I think i' ve been depressed for sometime and now the thought of ending my life and my daughter' s life is constantly in my mind.

I' ve been married for 7yrs and we have a 5yr old daughter who has been dignosed with autism about 2.5 yrs ago. The problem is that I find myself all alone in this situation and it' s very frustrating. My husband who is a GP by profession doesn' t seem to be much bothered by our child' s situation. I' m always the one who is trying to find answers and things we can do to help us live a better life.

When our daughter couldn' t speak at age 2 I was the one who suggested for an assessments and it took him about 6months to book for that assessment (he said he will do the booking himself because he knows the ggod doctors). After being assessed by 2 differents paeds they both confirmed that she has an autism. I also work full time (8 - 5) but I seem to be the only one trying to find suitable schools, good diet and many other things that we can do to be able to cope as a family.

My husband is supportive financially but emotionally he is not. I told him about my depression about over a year ago thinking that since he is a Doctor he can help me to get help but he just told me to refuse the depression and stay positive. I use to think that maybe he is in denial with autism but it has been a long time and still no change.

I' m always trying to find ways to make life bearable but i' m tired of doing this alone. We recently did some test with a physian and she prescribed supplemts for our daughter to chelate with but I can' t get our child to drink the stuff. My husband checked these chelation tablets (DMSA &  DMG from U.S.A) and he says it' s fine we can use them but he doesn' t even help me with ideas on how we can get our daughter to drink these suppliments.

The other issue is the constant visitors from his family side. We both come from big families and having them visiting at once can be hectic at times if we end up having more than 5 kids visiting us at the same time. I suggested that we must make them to take turns when visiting us but he will just agree to have kids visiting from his family side almost every weekend without discussing with me first. We agreed to have 2 kids from each family to visit us at the same time but he doesn' t do that. He allows over 5 kids from his family to come visit us at once and I' ll end up caunscelling the kids visit from my family' s side.

Our daugther goes to a special day care during the week and I' m glad she is happy and safe at the school. She also receives speech therapy  OT and music therapy at the school. At home we have a full time helper and is helpfull and loving towards our daughter but it becomes a bit difficult for her if we have lots of kids visiting at the same time.

My husband' s lack of emotional support and not taking charge where our daughter is concerned is really killing me inside. If his family has got problems and ask for our help he jumps immediately and help out. He is the last-born child  financial well off and his brothers and sisters always run to him for help because they know he will be able to them. I don' t have a problem with him helping them but I just need him to understand what I' m going through and be there for me and my daughter.

I really feel like just ending our lifes. Please help me.

I once received pamphlets regarding my depression after I requested for them online and he freaked out when he saw me reading them, he said I wasn'  depressed I just have an Attention Seeking Syndrome.

I don' t how you can help me but I believe it helps writting all these down because I can' t discuss these with anyone, I don' t want to create problems in our marriage and I don' t want our families to take sides. They all don' t know that I' m unhappy except my husband.


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Our expert says:
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Hello MGP,
Well, if suicide ( and potentially involving your daughter ? ) is at all on your mind, you really deserve to URGENTLY arrange to see a good psychiatrist for a thorough assessment and a discussion of treatment options. This is too serious to allow it to just drift on.
Dealing with one's own depression is hard, and helping a loved autistic child is hard, too. Some of us doctors are able to be consumed by the problems of others, but hesitate to face the real and deserving problems within our immediate own homes and families. ( as well as our own personal fears and wories ). On can even help other members of one's broader family, in some ways because they are not felt to be one's own fault. And the more one is not paying attention to the sadness and problems so close by, the more one doesn't want to notice it, as this would involve noticing a degree of neglect, and we do not want to see ourselves as ever neglectful.
Even with other members of the family, he can "be there" for them --- AS A DOCTOR --- not as a husband and father. Sadly, indeed, some docs can recognize the needs of everyone, and worry that their nearest and dearest might be "attention seeking ", when he is, indeed, attention-avoiding.
Don't immediately seek support and deeper understanding from him, if that is not something he is at present able to give. Arrange to see a proper psychiatrist and psychotherapist ( preferably of the effective and efficient Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy, CBT, form --- you deserve this and so does your daughter, who is well able to enjoy her life as it is, and should not be deprived of any of the joy she can and will find in it. But neither should you seek permanent and negative responses to a situation which is, even though it doesn't feel like it, temporary.
YOu know you are seriously Depressed, and you don't need him to make the diagnosis. Arrange to see the shrinks for yourself, and you will be able to move steadily towards a far more peaceful and enjoyable state of mind. He is no needed to validate the diagnosis nor the need for treatment.
Once you are well, and this will indeed take months of good hard work, you can then consider with your therapist ways to consider helping him to unlock his reserve and reach those nearest to him. He may feel ( inaccurately, but doctors are prone to this ) somehow at fault that there are any problems for you and your daughter, and wants not to attend to that uncomfortable fact.
Check out, also, with Lifeline when you feel especially bad and need someone to talk with ; and also the Anxiety/Depression Support Group ( both numbers are on this page ). They might also know of some support group for parents of autistic children which would be helpful. And if there isn't one, don't start just yet, but once you are better, maybe you could start one.
Please keep in contact with us here on the forum, and let us know how things are going. We look forward also to eharing of your eventual progress.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Montle GP | 2009-06-15

Thanks a lot for your advice Doc  I will keep you posted.

Trism, thanks a lot it helps to know that there are other people going through what I' m going through. I know that suicide is a bad thing and it' s evil and cruel to take my baby' s life but the situation is sometimes just unbearable. I sometimes feel like I can just disappear from the whole world and I just can' t imagine my daughter' s life without me.

If you don' t mind me asking  how is your son doing?

My days are nightmares most of the time it kills me to feel all alone.


Reply to Montle GP
Posted by: Trism | 2009-06-15

Wanting to commit suicide is bad enough, taking your childs life is...

My second child also has autism, my husb also didn' t support me emotionally. My son turns 13 next month, if I could make it through what you are going through, you WILL too.
Please seek proffesional help, you owe it to yourself and your beautiful child.
God bless

Reply to Trism

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