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Question
Posted by: Black like me | 2012-04-18

Depressed

Hi doc i need advise as things are falling apart. The relationship between my wife n mother is untoreable. My mother speaks ill of my wife to other people n those people comeback n tell my wife. When i confront her she neither denies or accept. She get rude with me as if im disrespectful, we r zulu traditional family. So the last straw that she did was to curse my wife to our ancestors. She them my wife have been having accident after accident. I bought a car on saturday, sunday i went out with my wife we had an accident she was hurt i was not. So in the house she is angry with every thing n there is tension. she want to leave n go back home. With the problems and the car, i try to support her but also i have no for support cos i have to be strong for the family. And the financial, emotions everthing is piling up. I need to fix the car, i need to support our 2 kids and i need to study as im writing next months, shes emotional and injured. She is not working but studying to be a nurse of which i pay. This things have affect our relationship cos it seems e blames me as it my mother who doing this talking about her. I dont know i confused n depressed. Time as a couple i dont know when last did we had it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its clear that your mother very much dislikes your wife - has she given any indication of WHY she hates her so much ? I understand that it must feel very bad for you that she blames you for this, but it IS your mother, and maybe she feels you could do more to protect her from the malevolent and unpleasant old woman ?
Presumably, if you are a really traditional Zulu family, she would have interfered strongly to prevent you marrying this woman - does this suggest that she felt OK about your wife at that time, and something changed since then ? Can you think of anything that happened to mother or in the family, around the time she changed her mind about your wife ? Your mother must surely realize that her malicious gossip about your wife must hurt you and make your life more unpleasant - why would she insist on doing that ?
I hope your wife is studying nursing at a proper institution so her qualifications will be widely recognized so she can get a job - how much longer will her training last ?
And you're right, it is very important, whatever else is happening, to set aside some time, even a little, purely for the pair opf you to spend some quiet time together as a couple.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Megan | 2012-04-19

Hi there

I do not know if this would help at all. I have a Zulu friend and he eventually told his family that he wanted to be a Christian and could not follow the ways of old. His family (rather than lose a son) accepted this. He has a lovely wife and 2 kids. I think maybe you should speak to your mom and ask her what the actual problem is, tell her it is hurting YOU and maybe give her the above example to show her that you have not done anything radical like that you have married the woman you love and since you value both her and your wife it would mean a lot to you if she could bury the hatchet (and not in your wife''s back). Maybe no friendship but at least respect for you. I would expect my husband to stand up to his mom to be honest.
all the best,

Reply to Megan
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-04-18

Its clear that your mother very much dislikes your wife - has she given any indication of WHY she hates her so much ? I understand that it must feel very bad for you that she blames you for this, but it IS your mother, and maybe she feels you could do more to protect her from the malevolent and unpleasant old woman ?
Presumably, if you are a really traditional Zulu family, she would have interfered strongly to prevent you marrying this woman - does this suggest that she felt OK about your wife at that time, and something changed since then ? Can you think of anything that happened to mother or in the family, around the time she changed her mind about your wife ? Your mother must surely realize that her malicious gossip about your wife must hurt you and make your life more unpleasant - why would she insist on doing that ?
I hope your wife is studying nursing at a proper institution so her qualifications will be widely recognized so she can get a job - how much longer will her training last ?
And you're right, it is very important, whatever else is happening, to set aside some time, even a little, purely for the pair opf you to spend some quiet time together as a couple.

Reply to cybershrink

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