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Posted by: shirley | 2011/02/23

depressed

im a very attractive divorced 44 yr old, have been liaising with a guy for a year now from overseas whilst im here in SA, and all hes done is mentally and emotionally abuse me. hes a cop and lies but covers it up pretty well, very sharp. I had a funny feeling right frm the start theres somethn wrong with this guy and said to him i decided to let go and he objected. hes a very attractive man and he says hes never been rejected before. I called him up one sunday and he turned round and said that im checking up on him, when all i wanted to do was say hello... didnt understand how he attacked me and thats when my suspicions started. this has dragged on forever until this morning, him callin me a whore, labelling me like theres no tomorrow and im a gemini and his libran, 45 yr old and he reckons we dont match, everything is all negative and then the very nex day he would say, oh jus relax, we were supposed to meet, but hes never serious bout it, yet ive spoken to his mom a couple of times, hes forever judging me, berating me, patronising me, antagonising me etc.

why do i go for these abusive men? i feel lonely as ive no friends, very shy to meet a guy and i never used to be like that, lost alot of confidence in myself and went thru a divorce last year when coming back from the UK.

he will say its over one day, an the very next hell call me... i dont understand him....he lies alot.... is he sick? ive been taking endless brazepam as im suffering from heavy insomnia and its affecting my work... been taking them for years also cause i have interstitial cystitis. But i would lash out at him should he run me down and the most ugliest side of him would come out... its unbelievable and all ive ever done is try to love him.... he also tries to correct what im saying at times, tries to control me, and i told him thats not gona happen and he will start his ugly side cause he knows hes extremely attractive.

what is it with me that i go for abusive men? im scared to be alone all my life and alot times i jus wan overdose.... im very lonely, and i dont speak to my sister as she found out that her husband masturbated in front of me a couple of times and i didnt want to hurt her and hes wealthy so shes holding on and they helping my mom. Is he also sick? so shes poisoned all my family bout me so i dont have family to visit on wkends....

plse help me?

thanks cybershrink

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He's a cop from SA but working overseas ? I didn't know that happened. But he is abusive. Why you choose abusive men, as you seem to say that you do is an important question, worth exploring in therapy / counselling. Why you stay with this abusive man, especially if it is often a distance relationship, is beyond me.
FAr, far better to be alone than with an abuser - but talk with a group like POWA which helps and advises abused women, as support groups would help, and you need to be cautious about HOW you might leave a potentially violent abuser ( and some policement have a history of being threatening or violent, even shooting, partners who leave them ).
Get counselling yourself, to help you cope better and to safely leave a sterile and ugly relationship, and set yourself free to find a more wholsesome and happy relationship, such as you really deserve

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: April | 2011/02/24

Isn’ t funny how people think of themselves as being attractive… what happened to character. Why don’ t you try and develop a sense of self-esteem? Why waste your time with an “ extremely attractive”  nobody who miserably sits and wonders who the -|- he is on Sunday night. Get a life!

Reply to April
Posted by: Kate | 2011/02/23

To me it dsnt sound like you in any relationship at all.
You havn''t even met this guy...
Am I missing something?
I don''t mean to be mean or anything but have you not thought rationally about this?
You allowing a guy you have never met to abuse you... berate you...hmmm
It sounds like some sicko over there is having some fun on your expense, how sure are you that he is a cop...

Honestly I would rather be alone than in an imaginery relationship with a guy that abuses me even though I''ve never ever seen him.

People get too attached to people they meet over the net and this ends up in them believing that is real life.
I''m not saying you imagining things but please think about it all.
Would you not just want a real human next to you, whom you can enjoy youself with, go out and meet new people. This might be hard at first but how hard is it going to be to be alone for the rest of your life?

Most of all cut ties with your internet connection, I think he''s just playing mind games wth you.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/23

He's a cop from SA but working overseas ? I didn't know that happened. But he is abusive. Why you choose abusive men, as you seem to say that you do is an important question, worth exploring in therapy / counselling. Why you stay with this abusive man, especially if it is often a distance relationship, is beyond me.
FAr, far better to be alone than with an abuser - but talk with a group like POWA which helps and advises abused women, as support groups would help, and you need to be cautious about HOW you might leave a potentially violent abuser ( and some policement have a history of being threatening or violent, even shooting, partners who leave them ).
Get counselling yourself, to help you cope better and to safely leave a sterile and ugly relationship, and set yourself free to find a more wholsesome and happy relationship, such as you really deserve

Reply to cybershrink

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