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Question
Posted by: Kay | 2011-08-25

Deppressed and Miserable.

Hi CS,

Sorry for the long post.

I have recently moved in with my partner of 3 years. We are expecting our 1st born end of September.This guy is been asking my hand in marriage since 5 months into our relationship, and i refused as I felt it was way too soon for marriage then, and he did not give up until I promised that we will get married at the start of this year.He is a loving, considerate, understanding, honest and caring man but my dad doesn''t like him and has never been accepting of our relationship, because he felt and still strongly feels that my partner is just using me (his zimbabwean) to gain citizenship which is not the case, my dad''s family is a very judgemental family I know for a fact that his nationality is not the case. They will harshly judge anyone that gets involved with any of their daughters! and also I think his just afraid that his losing his little girl to another man and a result they are making it very difficult for us to get married.

See in my culture the lobola protocol is my uncles(from my mom side) are the ones that handle the damages and lobola negotiations but they not able to do that because my dad is making it very difficult for them to do what they need to do to make all this possible. My dad raised me on his own from the tender age of 9, my mum was not actively involved on my upbringing or life until about 3 years ago. So to my dad no 1 has a right to say anything on this matter only himself as he raised me on his own without any1''s help.

God knows I love and respect my dad and am very grateful for what he has done for me, but am 21 now I have a responsibility towards my unborn child I should be allowed to make my own decisions, I can''t live the life that my dad wants me to live. It''s been 3 weeks since we moved into our new home and my dad has cut all ties with me. He was very excited about the baby and used to call to ask how we are doing but now he hardly calls and he has made it very clear that he will not step his feet into our home, he said he will see his grandson only when we visit my grandma (his mom) back home. Me and my partner are thinking of getting married at home affairs and we will inform him at a later stage but I just hate the fact that I have to do like this, behind his back because I love him and want him involved in all of this but i also love my partner and we want to create a stable home for our unborn child. Because of all this am sad, miserable and depressed most of the time and I just don''t know what to do to get my dad to get along with my partner!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I find its often not clear to me how people differentiate between "marriage" and life elements traditionally associated with marriage - so you seem to say you have been prepared to move in with this guy, and have a child with him, and that he is loving, kindly, and everything else one would desire in a partner - but you balk at marriage. What's not clear is what "marriage" would change, what aspect of it some people in your situation find undesirable.
Is it only that your dad doesn't like him ? He suspects that the guy may be using you to get citizen ship ? ( After waiting three years, aren't there easier ways for him to achieve that ? ) You're right that in any culture, some men ( and some women ) won't easily acept that ANY other human is good enough to marry their child, even if they find other excuses for their objections.
Maybe your dad did a great job raising you on his own, but anyone who raises a child properly, in any culture, needs to recognize that the child must be allowed to grow up and make adult decisions for themselves. Its not right to expect you to live life only the way he thinks you should. Now it seems your dad is sulking, and trying not to recognize or accept the inevitable. I suspect that in the end his love for you, his desire to know and love the child, and his curiosity, may overcome his desire to control everything, and he may ffind a way to reconcile with you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kay | 2011-08-25

@Romany, I am going to marry him and there is nothing wrong with having a child at 21. it''s a decision we made something that we both wanted, and just because am having a baby at 21 it doesn''t mean the end of the world! I can still do all that with a child present in my life, infact i have done most of the things you mentioned. I do have a degree to my name and I have a great job that is paying me a very reasonable salary and a great place where I call home. And FYI my child is not a baggage nor complication, so if you''ve got nothing better to say then please reserve your opinion to yourself as I have no use for it. You need to stop being so ignorant we in the 21st century, not the old age anymore!

Reply to Kay
Posted by: Romany | 2011-08-25

Firstly, Zimbabweans can get citizinship with no problems, so your dad is wrong that he wants to marry you to get citizenship.
Secondly, why the hell would you have a child with a man that you are not married to and not sure that you are going to marry? And on top of all this you are only 21 years old? That is just wrong...........
Then another thing that I would like you to clarify please. How can your dad be excited about the baby but reject the baby''s father?
You should still be single at your age, enjoying life, studying, making a career for yourself, partying.... not pregnant with baggage and complications.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Kay | 2011-08-25

No CS I wouldn''t exactly say balk, I just wasn''t keen on the idea on marriage then cause I was 19 at the time, so we decided to get married when I turn 21. But nonetheless thanks for the advise.

Reply to Kay
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-08-25

I find its often not clear to me how people differentiate between "marriage" and life elements traditionally associated with marriage - so you seem to say you have been prepared to move in with this guy, and have a child with him, and that he is loving, kindly, and everything else one would desire in a partner - but you balk at marriage. What's not clear is what "marriage" would change, what aspect of it some people in your situation find undesirable.
Is it only that your dad doesn't like him ? He suspects that the guy may be using you to get citizen ship ? ( After waiting three years, aren't there easier ways for him to achieve that ? ) You're right that in any culture, some men ( and some women ) won't easily acept that ANY other human is good enough to marry their child, even if they find other excuses for their objections.
Maybe your dad did a great job raising you on his own, but anyone who raises a child properly, in any culture, needs to recognize that the child must be allowed to grow up and make adult decisions for themselves. Its not right to expect you to live life only the way he thinks you should. Now it seems your dad is sulking, and trying not to recognize or accept the inevitable. I suspect that in the end his love for you, his desire to know and love the child, and his curiosity, may overcome his desire to control everything, and he may ffind a way to reconcile with you.

Reply to cybershrink

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