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Question
Posted by: lerato | 2009/12/07

denying him sex

I' ve been in a happy relationship for 7 yrs. Our only problem is about sex. I feel I cannot have sex with him when he has hurt or made me angry. I usually cry if I force myself to do it while feeling this way. He says I use sex as a weapon to punish him with when he doesn' t do what I want. Am I wrong to deny him sex when he is the cause of my hurt and anger and why do i cry when I force myself to do it? Will this cause him to stray and seek attention elsewhere? We were each other' s firsts, I' m 24 and he is 25.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

I have a number of questions that might help you to answer your own question:

(1) If he is doing many things to anger/upset you, what have both of you done to address this? Is this situation changing/improving any? You need to know that you are not a machine and therefore cannot expect your body to welcome him into such intimacy when you are angry and upset... For optimal sexual responding your mind and body need to be in sync. I never encourage anyone (man or woman) to force themselves to have sex if they want NOT to be sexual (I deliberately wrote this in this clumsy way to be clear that it's a negative and not neutral position). If you are FORCING yourself to do this, your natural instinct is to cry (possibly because of the betrayal to yourself, or because of pain which is likely if you are not aroused!)

(2) How long you are angry and upset for, is this a reasonable amount of time? Are the things that make you feel this way big enough to warrant the feelings you have (i.e. would other people feel the same way in response to his actions?) Maybe he also has a point in that is possible that you carry the emotions with you for too long so he is 'always' in trouble, or you are oversensitive and so he can't put a foot right...
(2) Do you in fact 'use' anger and upset to avoid sex? If so, why are you avoiding sex - something to do with him, the relationship, you? It may be that you are not paying attention to concerns/worries you have and your body is 'telling you' by not wanting to respond...?

Try to answer these questions honestly to yourself, ask a friend for her/his opinion on your responses (you don't need to talk about the sexual stuff)

Nothing CAUSES a person to stray but themselves, the context may play an important part of their dissatisfaction, but it is this that needs to be addressed openly between the two of you. You have been in a relationship for a long time, but are both still young and therefore could probably use some objective support - why not discuss this over one or two sessions with a counsellor if you struggle to do it by yourselves?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: PJ | 2009/12/09

I was married to a woman with mental problems for 6 years. She permanently felt that I was making her mad or hurting her. 3 months after we were married, the sex stopped.

The question is: Is your anger and hurt valid? And the answer should be given by a qualified third party. Because you will say it is and he will say it isn' t.

But my uninformed opinion is that it seems you are very(too) sensitive and unforgiving. But don' t take my word for it.

Reply to PJ
Posted by: Sexologist | 2009/12/07

I have a number of questions that might help you to answer your own question:

(1) If he is doing many things to anger/upset you, what have both of you done to address this? Is this situation changing/improving any? You need to know that you are not a machine and therefore cannot expect your body to welcome him into such intimacy when you are angry and upset... For optimal sexual responding your mind and body need to be in sync. I never encourage anyone (man or woman) to force themselves to have sex if they want NOT to be sexual (I deliberately wrote this in this clumsy way to be clear that it's a negative and not neutral position). If you are FORCING yourself to do this, your natural instinct is to cry (possibly because of the betrayal to yourself, or because of pain which is likely if you are not aroused!)

(2) How long you are angry and upset for, is this a reasonable amount of time? Are the things that make you feel this way big enough to warrant the feelings you have (i.e. would other people feel the same way in response to his actions?) Maybe he also has a point in that is possible that you carry the emotions with you for too long so he is 'always' in trouble, or you are oversensitive and so he can't put a foot right...
(2) Do you in fact 'use' anger and upset to avoid sex? If so, why are you avoiding sex - something to do with him, the relationship, you? It may be that you are not paying attention to concerns/worries you have and your body is 'telling you' by not wanting to respond...?

Try to answer these questions honestly to yourself, ask a friend for her/his opinion on your responses (you don't need to talk about the sexual stuff)

Nothing CAUSES a person to stray but themselves, the context may play an important part of their dissatisfaction, but it is this that needs to be addressed openly between the two of you. You have been in a relationship for a long time, but are both still young and therefore could probably use some objective support - why not discuss this over one or two sessions with a counsellor if you struggle to do it by yourselves?

Reply to Sexologist

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