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Question
Posted by: nina | 2011/07/25

delayed ejaculation

my partner and i have recently split up....and i am concerned that his decision was due to problems in our sex life. before we actually ever slept together we fooled around a bit, and i asked him to masturbate for me one evening. at the time we were in different countries as i was away for a trip, so it was on webcam. i noticed that it took some time before he ejaculated, but thought perhaps it was due to his being a bit nervous with webcam. then the next time he was on the phone to me and he asked me to talk to him to make him climax..again i thought it took a bit long. anyway...when we slept together for the first time, it was a bit awkward and he didnt ejaculate...this seemed to set the trend for us. it happened very seldom that he actually was able to achieve climax when having penetrative sex,...in fact even if i gave him oral sex he had to finish himself off. he was also not so good at foreplay...he seemed to rush things a bit....

i decided maybe it was better for me not to initiate sex...to let him intiate so it was on his terms and when he felt comfortable...and he always initiated...but always the same outcome. he told me i was sexy and beautiful all the time, we had a good relationship emotionally he was kind and caring and made me feel totally cared for and loved, but he had this issue.

the last time we made love, before he ended with me, he was unable to get an erection. and then he ended with me. we havent spoken about the sex issue in all of the breakup mess, becuase i dont know how to broach the subject. i once asked him if it happened before, but he said no never. i felt maybe it was me, so eventually actually asked my last ex who i am really good friends with, and he said no infact when i left him he was devastated because he found that i was a really kind and generous partner who considered his needs all the time. so now i dont know....was it me? or was it some issue that the had?

i am devestated at this breakup...and my ex still contacts me from time to time just to chat...but i just feel i need to understand what happpened here!! i wish i could put it alll back together, but i dont know how to handle this...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It seems that this break up has been very distressing for you and that it has left you with unresloved issues. This kind of sexual problem sounds like what we refer to as 'delayed ejaculation'. It can be that a man with this condition struggles to ejaculate all the time, or maybe it may only be difficult when they are with a partner. Whatever the case the problem is often psychological in nature - the problem may relate to different issues - perhaps a difficulty of 'letting go', difficulty trusting, a dislike of the 'mess', fear of infection/pregnancy, fear of commitment.... These issues would need to be addressed in order for the person to relax enough to 'give in' to the sensations and enjoy the sexual experience. It is most important not to blame yourself. If it is possible, perhaps it would be a good idea to discuss the issue with him. If you feel there is a future in this relationship you may want to seek further professional help together. It is of course preferable if both partners attend but you can still get help on your own to help understand what happened here. You can contact the SASHA (South African Sexual Health Association) helpline Tel -0860 100 262 for referral.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011/07/27

It seems that this break up has been very distressing for you and that it has left you with unresloved issues. This kind of sexual problem sounds like what we refer to as 'delayed ejaculation'. It can be that a man with this condition struggles to ejaculate all the time, or maybe it may only be difficult when they are with a partner. Whatever the case the problem is often psychological in nature - the problem may relate to different issues - perhaps a difficulty of 'letting go', difficulty trusting, a dislike of the 'mess', fear of infection/pregnancy, fear of commitment.... These issues would need to be addressed in order for the person to relax enough to 'give in' to the sensations and enjoy the sexual experience. It is most important not to blame yourself. If it is possible, perhaps it would be a good idea to discuss the issue with him. If you feel there is a future in this relationship you may want to seek further professional help together. It is of course preferable if both partners attend but you can still get help on your own to help understand what happened here. You can contact the SASHA (South African Sexual Health Association) helpline Tel -0860 100 262 for referral.

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011/07/27

It seems that this break up has been very distressing for you and that it has left you with unresloved issues. This kind of sexual problem sounds like what we refer to as 'delayed ejaculation'. It can be that a man with this condition struggles to ejaculate all the time, or maybe it may only be difficult when they are with a partner. Whatever the case the problem is often psychological in nature - the problem may relate to different issues - perhaps a difficulty of 'letting go', difficulty trusting, a dislike of the 'mess', fear of infection/pregnancy, fear of commitment.... These issues would need to be addressed in order for the person to relax enough to 'give in' to the sensations and enjoy the sexual experience. It is most important not to blame yourself. If it is possible, perhaps it would be a good idea to discuss the issue with him. If you feel there is a future in this relationship you may want to seek further professional help together. It is of course preferable if both partners attend but you can still get help on your own to help understand what happened here. You can contact the SASHA (South African Sexual Health Association) helpline Tel -0860 100 262 for referral.

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: XXX | 2011/07/26

I doubt whether the " problem"  lies with you,in fact,I would suggest that he masturbates so often that his body is only used to responding to his own touch !
If you really love him &  he is open to having a personal chat about this " issue" ,then give it a go.Tell him that you would like to work through your issues together and even in need,go see a sexologist.

Reply to XXX

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