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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011/03/10

Decision decision

I have been seeing this married guy for about 7 months now. He and the wife have separated and the guy has moved out and stays with his sister. They still have not started divorce proceedings but the problem is that he is hiding me from his soon to be ex. His family has not met me but they know of me. I have met all his friends and some cousins.

The problem is that his soon to be ex found out about us and is now calling me to find out if we are going out. My bf asked that I say no we are just good friends as he is scared that the ex might be revengeful and want sole custody of the child.

I feel like I am compromising myself by lying but at the same time, I love him and want him to happy by having his son around. Should I tell the soon to be ex the truth and risk my relationship with my bf as he will be mad at me and even break up with me or lie for him and protect his relationship with his son?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why has he not started divorce proceedings yet ? And why has he chosen to try to keep you secret ? He owes you an explanation and discussion of all this. And the issue of custody of the child should be decided by the court in terms of whatever would be best for the child, and which parent could best care for the child, not on the direct wishes or anger of one partent directed towards the other. Its not fair for him to drag you into lying about all this. And if the son is around, of course he will tell his mother, not even in any nasty way. Lying is not to the benefit of the child.
Maria raises some very important issuesas do others. He is still a married man who is elaborately cheating on his wife. Remember that he has just proved to you that this is in his nature

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/11

Why has he not started divorce proceedings yet ? And why has he chosen to try to keep you secret ? He owes you an explanation and discussion of all this. And the issue of custody of the child should be decided by the court in terms of whatever would be best for the child, and which parent could best care for the child, not on the direct wishes or anger of one partent directed towards the other. Its not fair for him to drag you into lying about all this. And if the son is around, of course he will tell his mother, not even in any nasty way. Lying is not to the benefit of the child.
Maria raises some very important issuesas do others. He is still a married man who is elaborately cheating on his wife. Remember that he has just proved to you that this is in his nature

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Lol | 2011/03/10

The whole thing is wrong, whether you are or not the reason for their seperation he is still maried, in the eyes of God and by law.

They can still reconcile, what are you hoping for? that they divorce as soon as posible so you can move in and make a happy family. If life was that easy there wouldn''t be seperated now. May you are just his time killer who knows? Why has he not started with the divorce?.....

Always remember you are no better than his wife, if he can cheat on her then donot be surprised when tables are turned.

Good luck, I''m sure you will need it

Reply to Lol
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/10

Not True...My friend has been seperated for 4 months now. His wife is suing his new girlfriend for braking up their marraige. (They have no money, they have legal aid)
My friend''s lawyer suggested that she has a good case because, if he did not get involved with another women, there may have been apossibility of reconcilliation, but because he did get involved, she is no longer willing to attempt reconcilliation.
It is amazing how some people think South Africa is behind in their legal issues?? You should take a couple of days off and go and attend a divorce court maybe?

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Liza | 2011/03/10

Romany - if someone tries to sue they have to have PROOF that the relationship started BEFORE the separation. (separation NOT divorce) Since this is immensely difficult, most lawyers would demand a huge deposit up front to take the case - and then they have very little chance of success. Just remember that this isn''t a movie and it isn''t the USA where people sue just because they can.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: ano | 2011/03/10

it could also be that he does not want his x to find out because then she could request a very large maintenance from him for their child, because in the courts eyes he is having an affaire

Reply to ano
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/10

To Not So Sure:- No you will not be sued for adultry you will be implicated as one of or " the"  reason for the divorce. ie you are then seen as the person that broke the family apart. It is very real and happends all the time

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Happiness | 2011/03/10

Separation doesn''t mean divorce. Him hiding you from his wife paints a clear picture. He is still attached to his wife and not only because of the child.
He''s probably using you to blow off some steam in his life, be care you don''t invest too much on this relationship.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: No so sure | 2011/03/10

I''m not so sure about being sued for adultry these days, is that a possibility ? With regards having a relationship with someone before the divorce is final, that is a modern way of life and I am sure the courts view it in the same light, why make 3 people unhappy whereas you would be making 2 people happy? I agree, I do not think your relationship will affect his rights regards his kid.

Reply to No so sure
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/10

You should withdraw yourself completely from the situation and the man until such time as the divorce is finalised. It makes no difference that he has moved out, he is STILL a MARRIED man.
You can get sued for thousands for breaking up the marraige.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Liane | 2011/03/10

Firsty you should have waited until his divorce was finalised before you started seeing another woman''s husband as that is exactly what he is.

Put yourself in her shoes, how do you think she must be hurting??? And as much as the truth will hurt her more you have to be honest if she asks you directly, she deserves that much from you.

If this man truly loves you he woul d have divorced his wife first and made an honest woman of you by getting together on a clean slate....



Reply to Liane
Posted by: Maria | 2011/03/10

I seriously doubt if your relationship with this guy will be seen as a good reason by the courts to award sole custody to the mom. It doesn''t work that way. Try asking on the Divorce Support forum as well.

I think you should seriously consider the relationship anyway. How long have they been separated? Is he really over her, healed emotionally and ready to move on? Or are you just the person who consoles him during this period of his life and he will discard you when he no longer needs your support? Do you really want to be with someone who wants you to lie?

Reply to Maria

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