Our expert says:
So Sorry to hear about your losses. The situation you describe was awfully and indeed needlessly distressing for you all, and I'm amazed that the doctors didn't take her difficulties seriously enough to check out whether things were as simple as they assumed. With a very large tumour, its not practical to check every single scrap of it, and though even 95 % of it may be benign, it's possible even a small portion might be malignant. So sinister symptoms coming on fairly rapidly after the operation should have led to doubts. People who think of themselves as experts are often far too reluctant to doubt themselves.
Its a pity we no longer have GPs like in the old days, who could come to the house and at least give some strong painkilling medicine while waiting for the ambulance.
But, from my many years of experience dealing with seriously ill and dying people, I am confident that your mom was aware of your having been with her, of your love and care for her.
You gave her permission to go, when she really, really needed to do so. That was kind of you, and gracious. And it wasn't a lie to tell her you'd be alright. Of course you don't feel OK now, but yopu will be allr0ght, and the rest of your own good life will continue to be a tribute to her.
A famous American writer who was dying of a similar malignant disorder, once wrote that "A time comes when a dying man needs death, like a sleepy man needs sleep".
And while you, and your family, remember her so fondly, that is where, and how, she still lives.
as to your specific questions :
First ofm all, these are still VERY early days it takes time, and lots of hard work, to work through our grief. In time the place where the horrible phase of things started will lose its power, but its very natural that right now it reminds you painfully of all that happened and that followed.
2. Yes, that feeling will leave. You will never forget her or your love for her, but increasingly you will be able to remember her with joy, pride, and happy memories of all she was and all she aded to your life, and without the raw sense of overwhelming loss that right now clouds all those good parts of her memory.
3. ANYBODY who is stupid and ignorant enough to make you feel bad about not being with her at that particular moment ( probably some time after she was last aware of whether you were there or not ) are fools and cruel ones at that, and not worth paying the least attention to.
4. We each face and deal with the rost problems we are aware of. You dealt with your own problem, and your mom dealt with hers. There was no competition, and neither of you neglected the other. and 5. OK, sad, but yes, your mom won't physically be present with you to hold your child or children. But surely n a very real and valuable sense she will be with you, in spirit, in your good memories of her, and the love you share with your children will be in good part the love she invested in you. In that way, she will always be with you and them.
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