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Question
Posted by: 36yr old daughter | 2011/02/01

Dear Doc and regulars : Respecting my mom

I''m now 36, married with 2 teenage boys. Me, my sisters and brothers were raised very strictly,our parents got devorced when my youngest sister finished school. Our parents had a very " ugly marriage"  as my mom only married my dad because of financial reasons, and she was only staying with him untill the youngest was out of the house(she even told us and my dad this on numerous occasions,so as we grew up we learned that my mom never loved my dad,as crazy as it may sound, my dad stood by her and loved her untill now. We are all married now with children of our own...problem is, my mom got married to a man younger then her oldest child,not even a year after her devorce. She''s 60 years now,and the guy is abusing her physically and emotionally because she''s so " lovesick" .In the beginning we (children)jumped whenever she called(she stays 8hours drive from us)for help but after 5years of making fools of ourselves,we just dont go visit her anymore. She always said that parents are their children''s responsibility when they get old, and that she will never be put in an old age home,but she is so rude and respects no one, how would i ever manage her staying with me permanently when she cant even visit for a week without us fighting, my other brothers and sisters dont even allow her at their homes anymore,so she always turns to me,i''ve always respected her,but my husband does not want her at our house anymore because she''s so disrespectful. Her husband cheats and abuse her and it hurts the hell out of me to be aware of it ,knowing no one can do anything about it, as we cant keep her away from him for long,and that''s why he would never change. How do i handle this situation and where can i go for help if she refuses to be helped? we suspect that she might have early signs of alzeimer because we just cant believe that she behaves this way for so long.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your mom sounds like an unpleasantly manipulative and selfish person, doesn't she ? And by 60 she should really have been mature enouh not to get into an abusive relationship or to stay in it. She should contact a group like POWA that helps abused women, and not expect you to come to her rescue. If you've been trying to help for some 8 years, and she has chosen to remain with the abuser, there's nothing much more you can do. You cant help her if she refuses to help herself.
Especially in these circumstaances, she can't expect you all to support her and have her live with you, if she can't be bothered to be sensible, polite and grateful. She needs to see someone local to her for counselling and advice, not to expect you to do everything at long distance

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Nia | 2011/02/02

Yes - the Bible says that we should respect our parents and that we should care for them ... but the Bible also says that parents should treat their chilcren in such a way that they dont become disheartened and disappointed.

Talk to her and give her an ultimatum, either she behaves properly and you will help her, or she carries on like she does and you then retract and avoid her. And carry your ultimatum through!

Reply to Nia
Posted by: two-stone | 2011/02/02

Shoo 36 - I really feel for you! She is almost as if she is addicted and you know what they say about addicts - they have to WANT to be cured before it will happen. I wish I had a magic wand so that i could fix this all for you, but to be honest, I do not know what to say. This is just to show my support for you as I know you are torn between your Mom and you Husband. Good luck sweetgirl.

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/02

Your mom sounds like an unpleasantly manipulative and selfish person, doesn't she ? And by 60 she should really have been mature enouh not to get into an abusive relationship or to stay in it. She should contact a group like POWA that helps abused women, and not expect you to come to her rescue. If you've been trying to help for some 8 years, and she has chosen to remain with the abuser, there's nothing much more you can do. You cant help her if she refuses to help herself.
Especially in these circumstaances, she can't expect you all to support her and have her live with you, if she can't be bothered to be sensible, polite and grateful. She needs to see someone local to her for counselling and advice, not to expect you to do everything at long distance

Reply to cybershrink

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