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Question
Posted by: Nix | 2008/07/15

Dealing with suicide

My twin brother committed suicide just short of 4 months ago. To say that I'm battling to come to terms with it is an understatement. I have started counciling, and realise that it's going to be a long process. I'm particularly battling with feelings of guilt and self doubt, and as such, am feeling a bit insecure (which is not like me!). A family memeber called me aside today to tell me that I'm being way to sensative about everything, and that at the end of the day, it's my problem. I don't even know how to respond to that. I'm already so fulled with guilt (over everything, from my brother dying to forgetting to take the rubbish out), and this is just compounding it. I feel like I'm letting my family down by not being able to cheer myself up. What do I do?

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Our expert says:
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COunselling is essential in a situation like this, and will be likely to help, with time. Work especially on the fruitless guilt. Suicide is something HE chose to do, not you, and something he chose not to allow you to prevent.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2008/07/15

Nix you are grieving and that unkind statement made by a family member is way out of line. Its amazing how other people are so insensitive to just HOW it feels to be in the process of grieving. You go through all sorts of feelings, numbness, shock, disbelief, barganing, guilt, depression, etc. acceptance then you can swing back into the shock an depression. There is no time limit and for each person its different. You need to work through all of this with a grief counsellor, someone who is experienced. The best anyone can do for you (your family and immediate friends is to allow you to talk, as much as you want and be there for you, to listen an support you.) Unfortunately most people do not understand this and because they do not know how to handle the situation, for them it also makes them feel uneasy. Do not worry what others say to you, listen to your heart. Your twin has a very special place in your heart. You not only shared 9 months together in your mothers womb. So it feels like part of you has died with him. Know that he is now at peace. He will not want to see you in so much pain. Try to focus on the happy memories and celebrating his life, as he would want you to do. There must be good memories you have. Try perhaps to prepare a special place (part of your garden) and plant something in his memory. This will all happen in time. Its things you can think of how you wish to honour his memory. Perhaps you want to donate something to a charity in his name. Light a candle, your twin brother will always be around you in spirit and his memory will live on. You are still alive and well and your family want to see you happy, so your life needs to continue too. Just know what you are going through is normal. You need time to grieve.

Just one day at a time, do not put too much pressure on youself right now.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Maria | 2008/07/15

Goodness Nix, I think that family member of yours is way too insensitive. Grief takes as long as it takes, and 4 months is not a long time. Be kind to yourself.

Reply to Maria

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