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Question
Posted by: Torn In Two | 2010/01/23

Daughter / Husband

My 19 year old daughter from my 1st marriage is at varsity, lives with us (my 2nd husband and I) and has been dating her 1st boyfriend for the past 3 years. My daughter has never given me a day' s problems (except for the moods once a month) and I' m very proud of her, and the way she conducts her life. Both her and her boyfriend are true Christians, attending church regularly, making food on Sundays which they take to beggars on street corners, aims to be a virgin when she gets married etc.

My husband is a good man too, he has done so much for my daughter in terms of monetary things and they generally have a good relationship.

The problem is, my daughter' s boyfriend sleeps over ±  twice a month, and recently while they were on varsity vac, he slept over maybe twice a week. My husband made it clear that he doesn' t want him to sleep over, and when I asked him why not, he says it' s not supposed to be this way, he has a home not far from us and should sleep at home.

My husband and I had a huge argument. He feels I should support him in this decision, but I can' t as I see nothing wrong in him sleeping over every now and again.

My fear is that my daughter will move out, or to her dad, and I don' t want it to be like this. I feel angry at my husband, I see this as him trying to control all of us, it' s a power struggle and I see it as totally unnecessary.

So what do I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Presumably, in terms of one's religious and moral views, what matters isn't the precise geography of where they sleep, rather than whether they do anything besudes sleeping, wherever they do it.
You're right that such power struggles rarely achieve what the instigator hoppes for and can cause sadness all round. This sounds like an unusually responsible couple, and not one to fuss about. But it may not be what you are thinking of, that is bothering him - simply having someone else, nomatter how pleasant, present in your house several nights a week is something many people just don't like - I hate having house guests and hate being a house guest.
A calm discussion, as you well know, is the only thing that can bring about a useful resolution here

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Our users say:
Posted by: Torn in Two | 2010/01/25

Thanks for the responses.

The four of us had a talk. My husband can' t give any reason why he doesn' t want the boyfriend to sleep over, but we all agreed that he has a right to his own feelings, but in some way we also need to accommodate my daughter. We' ve agreed to allow the boyfriend to sleep over twice a month and there doesn' t have to be a reason for it. The only condition my husband has is that my daughter must still ask him these two times every month, if it suits him. It' s a compromise of sorts, as my daughter clearly told us that this still leaves her in a position of uncertainty as she still need to ask permission even though it' s already given.

Elle, this house isn' t only " his house" , it happens to be my ALL of our house and therefore all of us, as adults, have a right to voice our needs. It' s not only my husband' s right to make all the rules. And I never called him a control freak, those were your words, all I said was that I see the whole scenario as him trying to control my daughter and me, and the chat we all had together and the agreement we came to, is proof of my feelings that my hsuband cannot agree to two nights without insisting that my daughter still needs to ask permission.

PS: She' s decided not to ever have her boyfriend stay over again.

Reply to Torn in Two
Posted by: Elle | 2010/01/25

I can' t understand how you can think your hubby' s being a ' control freak'  by simply voicing his house rules. He has every right to do so. Also, the fact that the boyfriend lives in the area doesn' t warrant spending the night anyway. Just my 2c.

Reply to Elle
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/25

Presumably, in terms of one's religious and moral views, what matters isn't the precise geography of where they sleep, rather than whether they do anything besudes sleeping, wherever they do it.
You're right that such power struggles rarely achieve what the instigator hoppes for and can cause sadness all round. This sounds like an unusually responsible couple, and not one to fuss about. But it may not be what you are thinking of, that is bothering him - simply having someone else, nomatter how pleasant, present in your house several nights a week is something many people just don't like - I hate having house guests and hate being a house guest.
A calm discussion, as you well know, is the only thing that can bring about a useful resolution here

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2010/01/24

I agree with Liza that you won' t be able to resolve this unless you understand your husband' s reasoning. It could be that he doesn' t have a logical reason, more of a " gut feel" , and you should create the opportunity for him to say so without getting judged. If it' s a case of him feeling that the boyfriend intrudes on the privacy of your family then perhaps you can negotiate the frequency of sleepovers.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Liza | 2010/01/24

It seems that you don' t really have a problem communicating, but that you' re not communicating effectively. Why doesn' t your husband want him to sleep over? Perhaps to make temptation easier to resist for your daughter?

You and your husband need to sit down and talk this through calmly. He might have very good reasons that he can' t articulate. Going to see a counselor will help you and him come to a decision together and see the other persons'  point of view too.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Torn in 2 | 2010/01/23

By the way, when the boyfriend sleeps over, he sleeps in the spare room, so no one is inconvenienced.

Reply to Torn in 2

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