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Question
Posted by: ME asking Advice | 2012/10/15

Daughter

Dear Cyber Shrink

I have been in n role coaster ride with my 14 year old daughter and she pulled our whole famlily apart with her behaviouer and rebelious attitude, no time for our authority and does what she pleases/

In the end she started swearing at us, her step dad included, we intervened and thought it was phase, even took her to a psygologist, low and behold, boy were we in a shocker, she used drugs alcahol, premiscious sex, got expelled from school three times, etc.

She is in a clinic at the moment(rehab) and she is there for just over a week now, she needs to stay there for 40 days, She is also into withcraft but we are busy handling that as well, her bio dad does support her in this at the moment, and she did and say some hurtfull things. I have a special needs son as well and her little stunts she pulled for 6 months caused a lot of heart ache, she hates her step dad , and said some pretty awful words to him. At the moment I only see her once a week, as prescribed by the clinic, and they are working on her temper and disrespectfullness. My dad and step mom thinks is better that she stays with them after she comes out and I am in the middel, my partner feels that she should not stay with us and rather stay with her dad or my dad and step mom, My son loves my partner to bits and he sees him as his dad (his real dad left us when I was pregnant) But I dont agree want''s her to stay with us and take things from there, but my mom feels the same, she does not get along with us and she must come on weekends, do I leave my partner and break my son''s heart and start over with my daugther (putting her needs first above everyone including me) or do I let her stay with my dad and step mom and build a relationship with her on weekends when I see her. I am torn this morning and can not concentrate, My daughter also mentioned to rather stay with my dad and step mom, But I feel like a bad mom, but what about me and my family at home, my son will be devestated if he hears I am leaving, he is happy and stable and my daugther never apologies for the words she said etc.
Any opinions and advise.
She is being discharge on the 17 November 2012, I am angry for being in the middel, and bashes myself every day for the poor choices she made, and the deeds she have done, I am not sure if she is going to make grd 8 and we are planning on a homeschooling centre , she is not well, and it is really bad at the moment, it feels like my partner is asking to choose and I am not prepare to choose.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

She sounds like a normally horrible teenager, multiplied a few times, and highly manipulative. Maybe she resents the attention that your special needs child so deservedly and properly gets, and maybe resents her stepdad, amongst other reasons, for also taking more of your attention than she herself wants.
And behaving as badly as she does forces more attention from everyone. Interest in witchcraft, in my experience, is usually a brilliant tactic by which a teen becomes threatening and worrying to everyone, without much effort.
DO NOT consider leaving the man you love and hurting your son with whom he has such a good relationship, to go with this naughty girl.
If it seems worth trying to have her stay with her dad, or your mom and stepdad, why not try it ? Apparently they are prepared to put up with her and try to help. There'd be no need for you to follow her, and that might simply transfer the same conflict to a different house, as well as encouraging her to continue to manipulate, as she could consider this a great victory to have forced you to leave your partner.
If the rehab programme she is in is any good ( sadly, many are not ) you should be able to see the shrink and others ( maybe counsellors, social workers, whoever ) who have been dealing with her, and they should be able to give you some useful insight into how she's thinking at present, and advice on how to manage her, and how to help her stay drug-free. Indeed, if they're any good, they should WANT to meet with you and discuss these things.
You have a relationship with this girl, and you are NOT a bad mom, though she has skillfully managed to make you feel like one. You should not have to choose between her demands and your own happiness and that of your son. Protect your son and other kids from her bad influence, until she can again get her act together and behave sensibly.
From your later response, maybe she also wants to punish you for bringing her to an ordinary local school rather than the posh one where she may have felt superior ? Obviously though it may have been an expensive school, it was not at all a good one, that enabled such destructive kids to influence each other so badly.
Take the advice of your therapist and family, and try that alternative, while healing your present home setting which she has so deliberately damaged. Make sure that they understand that their rules, if possible not very different from yours, must also be clearly stated from the start and the consequences for pbreaking rules and behaving badly, as also defined and implemented.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ME asking Advice | 2012/10/19

Hi Graham
thanks for the info, will defnitaly take it up with the social worker on sunday, she is now in rehab for about two weeks now and they do talk about her attitude and aggression , they are refering her to the pshychologist next week,
At the moment she is responding well to treatment, but they need to sort out her aggression, I

Reply to ME asking Advice
Posted by: Graham | 2012/10/18

I have seen the same sequence of events unfold time and time again. It sounds like your daughter is manic with phychotic tendencies. The psychologist should have picked up on this. What I would suggest is that you start keeping a mood diary and note the aggression, depression, etc as and when they occur. At the same time keep track of alcohol and drug use if possible and include this info. There are a number of mood diaries on the internet that you can download and use.

Also - dont beat yourself up. The stuff that gets said is to provoke. Anger begets anger, so control your responses and maintain calm and low toned speach.

The fact that there is drug, alcohol use and libido is running, violence and aggression, foul language, anti everything - certainly indicates a possible onset of bipolar or pre frontal epilepsy with psychosis. Needs more investigation, but I would suggest you discuss this with the psychologist and get tests done while she is in rehab.

It could also be that her blood cortisol levels are too high, which cause adreneline to be released and can lead to aggression.

Good luck

Reply to Graham
Posted by: .... | 2012/10/15

Dont punish the step dad for this, she needs to pull herself together, why break up the entire family due to her? it will only leaves things messy and you will have to give in each time she wants things a certain way. if he doesn''t harm them and treats them well, dont push him away, cause he is not the problem. your daughter is.

strongs

Reply to ....
Posted by: Me asking advice | 2012/10/15

She is in a clinic to help with her violant behaviour.

Reply to Me asking advice
Posted by: ME asking Advice | 2012/10/15

Hi Finished,/ Enough

She was in a very posh and good boarding school and that is where all the crap started, we brought her home, put her in a local school and she got worse, she went for counseling etc during this time, We are very strict parents and normal rules applied, She did all this during school hours, pretend that she went to classes etc, and when we picked her up after school she acted like nothing is wrong, until the dreadfull day she ran away from home and we only found her after 3 days, (the most afwul experience in the world, she was grounded at that time any way and she had no phone with her,) one of her losers friend''s mother housed her for 3 days!! Se she did not had the freedom to all these things, She was secretive etc, when all was out in the open then did we only learned what was cooking, she even deluded her psycologist and she said that I am a dead beat good for nothing mom and her step dad is a P@@s, so before judging get the facts, she got into a wrong crowd and she did all this when she was supposed to be in school, a social worker took us under her wing and that is why is in a rehab. I love my daughter but at the moment she does not have respect for any adult and hates me and her step dad, even her dad and step mom, and We are trying to provide a good home for her , balanced and loveable, the sad fact is we have 5 kids, and my special needs son is a walk in a park comparing to what she dished out. She is wild and see fit to swear at her step dad when he gets angry at her not abiding by the rules of the house, etc, normal rules my I add, clean after yourself, thank you and please, ask for something before taking, etc. We dont hit and we dont abuse, If there is a party or a function we want telephone numbers to see if there is adult supervision etc, if not they can not go , this little lady slipped out of the house one evening and We found her in a night club without a ID, so we went through a lot these past 6 months, and the red tape to get her into a place of safety was hard. She hits us and swears at us etc , the other she hit''s her step dad because he asked her not to shout at me and to bring her homework, this is not your typical teenage drama this is serious stuff, my little boy normally locked himself in his room when she went on a rampage ,... I love my daughter with my heart and soul but do I again put her needs above all the other kids and my son ?? Toring up a famliy that finally came together in a nice way or do I take the advice of my famlily and her therapist and do the right thing?

Reply to ME asking Advice
Posted by: Finished/Enough | 2012/10/15

How did she at 14 and younger get the freedom to do all these things?

I believe " the easy way out"  is not the answer. She needs to come home and face the music and be part of the family.

Just my opinion.

Reply to Finished/Enough
Posted by: Flo | 2012/10/15

your kids should always come first,there could never be any person better suited to be with your daughter more than you.Good luck

Reply to Flo
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/15

She sounds like a normally horrible teenager, multiplied a few times, and highly manipulative. Maybe she resents the attention that your special needs child so deservedly and properly gets, and maybe resents her stepdad, amongst other reasons, for also taking more of your attention than she herself wants.
And behaving as badly as she does forces more attention from everyone. Interest in witchcraft, in my experience, is usually a brilliant tactic by which a teen becomes threatening and worrying to everyone, without much effort.
DO NOT consider leaving the man you love and hurting your son with whom he has such a good relationship, to go with this naughty girl.
If it seems worth trying to have her stay with her dad, or your mom and stepdad, why not try it ? Apparently they are prepared to put up with her and try to help. There'd be no need for you to follow her, and that might simply transfer the same conflict to a different house, as well as encouraging her to continue to manipulate, as she could consider this a great victory to have forced you to leave your partner.
If the rehab programme she is in is any good ( sadly, many are not ) you should be able to see the shrink and others ( maybe counsellors, social workers, whoever ) who have been dealing with her, and they should be able to give you some useful insight into how she's thinking at present, and advice on how to manage her, and how to help her stay drug-free. Indeed, if they're any good, they should WANT to meet with you and discuss these things.
You have a relationship with this girl, and you are NOT a bad mom, though she has skillfully managed to make you feel like one. You should not have to choose between her demands and your own happiness and that of your son. Protect your son and other kids from her bad influence, until she can again get her act together and behave sensibly.
From your later response, maybe she also wants to punish you for bringing her to an ordinary local school rather than the posh one where she may have felt superior ? Obviously though it may have been an expensive school, it was not at all a good one, that enabled such destructive kids to influence each other so badly.
Take the advice of your therapist and family, and try that alternative, while healing your present home setting which she has so deliberately damaged. Make sure that they understand that their rules, if possible not very different from yours, must also be clearly stated from the start and the consequences for pbreaking rules and behaving badly, as also defined and implemented.

Reply to cybershrink

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