Posted by: Spark | 2009-09-09

Daughter 10 move out

Last night my daughter of 10 told me she wants to move out because she doesn' t want to live under my roof with my rules. This came about when I told her she has to study and she said no she wants to play first, at 7 at night. I am a single mom and I just can' t take her cheeky attitude, she is always busy with something else when she has to do her chores. I give in and give in to her all the time. I am not in control of our relationship. I would say 95% of the time she is in control of me. She is my one and only miracle baby so I give in to her. It is my fault that out relationship is spiralling out of control. When she threatened me again last night (this is about the 5 time), I told her to pack her bags and went to take her to my parents. She cried later on when she phoned me to ask me if she can come get her school clothes she left behind. When she came to the house, she wanted to know if she can move back sometime. I told her she can. I also told her that she made the decision to move out, it was her choice she has to life with it for now. She is a very good girl, well mannered and doing extremely well at school. It is our personalities are starting to rub the wrong way and I am not in control. How do I get back in control without having to seek counselling? How do I make our personalities work better? How do I keep my daughter from feeling she has to move out? How do I become a better mother? It is hard at times, as we are always together, the only break we have is when I am at work and she is at school. I have no me time and I can feel I am starting recent my daughter for always being around, even at night when she has to be in bed, I try to read a book, then every now and then she will walk into my room just to come say good night. She insists on sleeping in my bed over weekends, ok I allow her to sleep in my bed either on a Friday or Saturday night. I can' t have a normal relationship with a male friend, because I put my daughters feeling first. After I took her to my parents I numb, I didn' t have any emotions. This is not how I wanted our relationship to go, this is not how I want to feel about my daughter. I want my time, I want a relationship, I want to be the most important person in my life again. Because I am the most important person in my life, I need to look after myself to give her a better life. I am trying my hardest to give her everything, I bought a house so she can have security (financially I am suffering), then there are all the pets, the Barbie dolls, she has her own laptop (value R10k) that she got for her birthday, she has three cell phones, play station etc. etc. She has friends at school and at home, we spent some time together but not enough time together. Weekends I have to clean the house, do the washing and mow the lawn. When I do this she is either playing with her friends or watching TV or something (I am packing the DSTV away tonight and unplugging the Tv). During the week we study and do homework. We don' t have any socials as it always seems to require money, whatever we want to do. All I want to know is HOW DO I GET IN CONTROL AGAIN. I don' t smack her, but sometimes I get so frustrated that I would swear at her. Not long afterwards she would apologise. I tell her every moment I can that I love her. There is no lack of love, just parental control from my side. I need to take control to give her a better future not for me but for her. Thank You

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

SOunds like a dramatic event illustraing a chronic problem with discipline. The quickest solution would be to see a child psychiatrist or child psychologist to work with you to develop an effective simple set of rules and penalties, and assess and explain to the child why this is needed. Even a couple of sessions could save a lot of money and heartbreak in the long run.
Talk calmly with her, pointing out that wherever she went, she would have to work under SOMEBODY's set of rules, and most of those she'd meet outside of her own home, would have far more nasty rules and penalties. But that study and eventual qualifications will set her free, when she grows up, to be independent, and set her own fruitful rules.
becuse you have always given in to her before, she finds it outrageous if you don't give in now and forever more. She sounds like a basially good girl, but starting to try to experiment with her independence. Discuss this with your parents, so she experiences the same rules and penalties there, rather than seeing it as a better softer option.
And discuss things with her, pointing out what you need, as well as what she wants. if she wants to sleep in your room one night a week, then in exchange she must leave you alone for some "me-time" on other nights.
And it sounds as though what she most values is quality time with you, not the things you buy her. Too many pets and dolls. And quality time is necessarily limited, or it loses quality, for a number of reasons. What on earth does a child do with THREE cell-phones ?
Why can't she share some of the chores with you ( she's old enopugh to be useful, and to understand that they need to be done ) --- that way it should take a bit les time to do the chores, and this can also be aded to time you spend together. She needs to learn to enjoy social contact with friends in ways that do NOT cost money.
And explore methods like "time-out" for both of you !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Hummm | 2009-09-10

You Stup*d Stup*d, Stup*d mother, how can you allow such nonsense to carry on when you are the parent...a 10K Laptop... what does she use it for at age 10? 3 cellphones?

If she wants to keep these things and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOther luxuries then train her to join you when you do chores and ofcourse create ' Us Time' , where you forget about the house and responsibility, maybe half a day once a week and spend time just the two of you.

All the best

Reply to Hummm
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-09-09

Gosh! No wonder she is such a spoilt brat.
When you say no, do not give in! No matter what!
Puppy eyes, miracle baby and all.
You are the mother here so act like it.
When you say something and she does not listen then she should get punished.
You give in to her moving out too! At that time you shouldv' e told her she could go!Pack her bags and put them out of the front door and see what she does.Not take her to your parents!
Omg! I would so give this child a piece of my mind!

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Mom of three | 2009-09-09

Goodness, you are not in control here. Look at the word " spoil" . When you have food that have spoilt, you have to throw it out, because it is useless to everyone. You have SPOILT your daughter!! THREE cellphones? A LAPTOP??? for a ten year old?

I suggest you take all her expensive toys away and then tell her that she can earn them back only if she starts pulling her weight around the house. Then you give them one by one ONLY when she has earned the privilege to earn them.

You *have* to make rules and she *has* to follow them. If she' s liek this now, just imagine where she' ll be when she' s 16? Sleeping with all the boys, getting drunk, taking drugs. All because you can get it over your heart to say no to your little angel? You are a grown up!! Make the rules that you need to have to let your house run smoothly. And UNSPOIL your daughter, else she is going to be useless for ever.

Reply to Mom of three

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