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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/07/24

dating MUCH older men

What could the possible drawbacks be of dating a man 15 years older? I could potentially be entering into a relationship with a man 15 years older than me. I''m in my mid twenties. I''ve always connected better with people a good 10-15 years older than myself. My concerns lie in the fact that this man has had two previous marriages, an adopted daughter and just recently a very uncertain and unstable lifestyle. I''ve also never had a ''successful'' relationship and none for more than a couple months. Both of my previous relationships were entirely meaningless and disconnected. I ended them both.
There is something about this man that I''m unusually attracted to (unlike any previous relationships) though it''s clouded by my anxieties around relationships, his age, his past and his possible motives. I cannot even tell if I like him or not, though I definitely feel more for him than I ever had for a man (probably has to do with his apparent openness and intellectual maturity). I''m generally quite an isolated individual and it worries me that I''ve become too comfortable to be in a relationship - not even sure what I could be avoiding. I don''t want a relationship if I''m going to run a month into it.
Some insight please!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Much depends o differences in emotional and social maturity, rather than just age ; and perhaps on what conclusions he has drawn from his previous marriages and relaionships.
I'm a bit more concerned about your previous failed relationships and your view of what troubled them. And your saying of a relationship you have apparently entered, that you're not even sure if you like him.
AND your comment that he has grown into a "very uncertain and unstable lifestyle"
Maybe some individual counselling would help you to examine your own issues and understand and deal with them better, as well as to be better able to work out whether this is a wise relationship for you.
Amanda raises some sound practical pojts, worth considering, too.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2010/07/28

Thank you everybody for your words of advice and sharing your stories. Though it''s somewhat varied, it''s great to see that there is no right and wrong way. I imagine I would just have to have my wits about me when making this choice. I also understand that I will need to work on myself as an individual, but then that is life and an everyday requirement otherwise I might as well check out right away. He is the type of man that I know at worst will mean I have gained a friend (even if it''s not a lover). Thanks

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Lady3 | 2010/07/27

Jess, I love your reply. It sounds just like my story. My fiance is 17 yrs older than me. There are also children involved with whom i get along great with. We also had to tread carefully in the beginning, but one thing was for sure and that was our feelings for one another. We have a wonderful relationship - would not trade for anything in the world!

Reply to Lady3
Posted by: Jess | 2010/07/26

I was 20 when I met a man 13 years my senior. He was divorced with 2 children. He has lost everything in divorce, so he lived in batchelor flat with just about nothing. Everybody thought I was crazy to get involved with this man. Now, seven years later we are still together, got married last year. We both have stable jobs and living a reasonable confortable live. The kids &  I also get along great. My man just turned out to be a diament in the rough, but way back then I saw something in him that nobody else could. Being with an older man has advantages too (they usually treat you way better). this is my story in a nutshell, but if I can give you advice - why did his previous marriages not work? Is he honest &  open? then lastly, if you do decide to go ahead with him, you can NEVER NEVER make his choose between you &  his kids. YOU HAVE to find a way to connect with kids &  come to terms that they are a part of your live. All the best, hope you find what you''re looking for.

Reply to Jess
Posted by: XXX | 2010/07/26

The age difference should not present a problem provided you are both committed to each other.
As with any relationship,one should tread a bit carefully and slowly.There is no harm testing the waters and see where it leads you.
You also need to get to a point where you discuss the possibility of having children one day.
For now,why not go with the flow and see what happens.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Liam | 2010/07/25

You my sister have serious issues, maybe sonethin that happened in your childhood or something. Im not being nasty but generally a 20 somthing young woman who dates a guy 15 years her senoir is cos of some daddy-issues. Just 1 question: Was your daddy actively involved in your life as a youngster? Kids with absent fathers, esp girls turn to see older guys that they date as some sort of a ''father figure'' that they never had but the difference being that you going to have sex with him. Sweetheat talk to professional so you can start enjoying a much fullfilled life.

This guy is going to have a lot of baggage having been married twice, ar you ready for that &  step-kids. You say yourself that he has an unstable lifestyle and you dont even know if you really like him, that should say a lot. Anyhow goodluck to you &  hope everything works out better for you, i just have a bad feeling about a guy who has been dovorced twice

Reply to Liam
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/25

Much depends o differences in emotional and social maturity, rather than just age ; and perhaps on what conclusions he has drawn from his previous marriages and relaionships.
I'm a bit more concerned about your previous failed relationships and your view of what troubled them. And your saying of a relationship you have apparently entered, that you're not even sure if you like him.
AND your comment that he has grown into a "very uncertain and unstable lifestyle"
Maybe some individual counselling would help you to examine your own issues and understand and deal with them better, as well as to be better able to work out whether this is a wise relationship for you.
Amanda raises some sound practical pojts, worth considering, too.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Amanda | 2010/07/24

Well there is obviously the issue of kids- he may not want (seeing as he already has) and you might, or you may have kids in a few years and by the time the kid''s in high school, daddy will be more like grandpa. Also, health. There''s no denying that his health will not be as good as yours in say 20 years time and you may need to look after him. If you''re not looking that far ahead, think in the present. You say he''s a bit unstable at the moment? That is NOT the best time to start a relationship. He may become very dependant on you, and no one wants to date someone who can''t look after himself.

Reply to Amanda

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