Posted by: What now | 2013-01-17

dating again after divorce

I have been divorced 3 1/2 years, now finally met someone wonderfull, beautifull, perfect. Problem, Im scared of getting hurt again. Everytime he moves closer, I move away. Im trying not to think about the future, but to concentrate on today. But still, am I not ready yet or is this normal?

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Posted by: JR | 2013-01-18

I really like what Ferdie says about not getting married until the in love feeling goes away. Makes sense whether you are starting out first time around young and idealistic, or whether it''s a second or third time around.

Reply to JR
Posted by: what now | 2013-01-18

I dont have that book, but will get it next week. I do have the LOve Dare, maybe I must use it and see how that goes.

Ferdie, Im very sorry that your 2nd (i think) marrage didnt work out.

Reply to what now
Posted by: Just J | 2013-01-18

Good Advice JR and Ferdie

I do think it is normal to react that way, we are just protecting ourselves which is natural after being hurt. I would like to believe that if you meet a person who understands and respects you, you would naturally break down these walls yourself over time.

But then again, 3 years, post divorce, I have tried dating and prefer just being me for now! So i am NO expert......

Good Luck What now I hope it works out for you

I also read 5 Love languages and enjoyed Ferdie - now if only I read that years ago .....

Reply to Just J
Posted by: Ferdie | 2013-01-17

The problem is not whether you should date or not, you should not get married again too quickly. I would say if he\she makes you happy, life is too short to worry about the past.

Do yourself this one single favour, and maybe one day you will thank me for giving you a single sentence of advice.

Read the book " The 5 Love Languages"  by Gary Chapman.

If you find out exactly which language you and your partner talk, it will be fine.

Another tiny piece of advice, when you fall in love, wait until the " in love"  feeling dissapates (about 2 years) before you think of marriage.

If I only did that myself < sob> 

Reply to Ferdie
Posted by: JR | 2013-01-17

Yes, I think it is quite normal to be scared not to get hurt again. The way I feel now, I will never completely let myself go to totally love again without condition. I never want my heart torn to shreds the way it was, and I tihink it only natural that we build walls and barriers to protect ourselves.

The problem with that though, is, not only do we keep men out, but we also keep ourselves locked in the past, and we don''t really give ourselves the chance to let it go, because we are (well I am anyway) so on my guard that I am going to make the same mistakes all over again.

IHowever, if you really feel in your heart that you are not ready, then maybe you aren''t. If you rush, you will only get hurt again. Only you will be able to answer that question. I read something that said something like, if you can tell the story without feeling strong emotion either way, love or hate and it does not bring tears to your eyes, then you are ready. This is a touch one because some days I can tell the story and I am fine, others not so much, so how do your really know if you are ready. I really don''t know the answer to that one.

But, I do definitely not want to be a bitter old lady, growing old alone, so I consciously choose to reprogramme my thinking. If you want to know more, if you post your email address I will gladly tell you.

Good luck.

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