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Question
Posted by: ingrid | 2011/06/28

dating a divorcee

hi doc
ive recently being dating a divorced man and he has kids, the problem is he spends almost every night visiting them and has them alternate weekends which doesnt leave much for us, i dont know how to approach the subject with him and i dont want to appear selfish am i being selfish ? he said his kids are his life fair enough i understand but now he is on two weeks leave with them and i cant be around when he has them which makes me feel very excluded but i love him and im so scared of losing him because of insecurities

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe this is a useful reminder that any relationship with someone who has children, has to be a relationship with those children, too, as they are a integral part of that person.
The more significant issue here may be this statement that you "can't be around when he has them" - why not ? If his ex-wife insists on this, then she is being inappropriate and unfair. Whether or not they meet other friends of his is none of her business and should not risk the time he spends with them. This is far more than a issue of your possible insecurity. You need to discuss this calmly but directly with him - you can't have a proper relationship with him without meeting and spending time with his kids. If he for some odd reason excludes you from that part of his life, then this limits all possibilities of a satisfying and lovin relationship between you two

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Our users say:
Posted by: Been there | 2011/06/29

Never make a man choose between you and his children. You will lose dismally. Is it him that does not want you around now while he is on leave? Have you met his children yet. If not, maybe it could be that he still feels unsure of where he sees your relationship going and does not want to expose his children to multiple girlfriends so as not to send them the wrong message. That is just what I think, I could be wrong though and I am going on the assumption that you have not met the kids.

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Romany | 2011/06/28

Unfortunately you will always come second to the man''s children.
Do you want that?

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Zoe | 2011/06/28

Why cant you spend that time with them too?
Is this his rules or his ex wife?
Maybe he is not that into you...
If he was he would make that time for you and also want you to get to know his kids and spend time with them.

Reply to Zoe
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/06/28

Maybe this is a useful reminder that any relationship with someone who has children, has to be a relationship with those children, too, as they are a integral part of that person.
The more significant issue here may be this statement that you "can't be around when he has them" - why not ? If his ex-wife insists on this, then she is being inappropriate and unfair. Whether or not they meet other friends of his is none of her business and should not risk the time he spends with them. This is far more than a issue of your possible insecurity. You need to discuss this calmly but directly with him - you can't have a proper relationship with him without meeting and spending time with his kids. If he for some odd reason excludes you from that part of his life, then this limits all possibilities of a satisfying and lovin relationship between you two

Reply to cybershrink

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