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Question
Posted by: henna | 2009/10/25

Dad passed, evil stepmom

Hi Doc,

Iv' e written to you before wrt my dad having cancer and his horrible wife.
Well, it finally happened, he died 3 weeks ago - suffering a horrible horrible end. We were all there and she paraded her whole church through his room - with him only lying there gasping for each breath with only a nappy on!!! She chased my siblings (and his siblings) and I out of the room so that her church people can sit with him... she played such a role! She even asked people if they would do the thanking at the funeral - whilst he was lying there!!!!
At 6 in the evening she wanted to load him into the back of her bakkie on a matrass to take him to hospice!!! She didn' t even want to pay for an ambulance... I put my foot down and said I' ll pay for it (I lovingly had to go and buy his nappies that morning...), the ambulance came and he passed away 23.45.

We weren' t aloowed to have anything to do with the funeral arrangements... she said she had to do it alone - but her church people helped her to arranged everything!!! I asked for my father' s air force hat a while before he died and she gave it to me. My sister wanted his other hat (her had a couple) and she refused to give it to her. My poor brother who always tolerated her and was nice (after being asked by HER) asked for his watch - she refused!!!!!!

I haven' t had time to mourn him as my hubby went overseas to work and I take care of our 5yrld son and 15mnth old daughter. Also - the kids have been ill with gastro and tonsillitis... I don' t get a chance to just sit and cry. I think of my dad constantly and I think of her in hate and anger!!!! The first couple of days after his death, I could feel him around me and I could sense that he was not at peace and he was very restless, I still feel him sometimes, but he seems more calm now.
She stole 14 years from us with him - and yes I do blame him as well for not having the balls to stand up to her, but she never accepted any of us, not his kids, grandkids, brother, sisters, old friends that he had for more than 50 years!!!
At the funeral we wanted to show a couple of photo' s of him and his family, friends AND of her - we even included her in that. And wht does she do??? At the funeral she REFUSES to let us show it!!! It was a horrible service, one expects to feel comforted, but her priest preached about owerspel!!! At a funeral??!!! It doesn' t feel as if he had a funeral - because of the way it was... none of us has closure!! We weren' t allowed to say that final goodbye... Another thing is, even though my dad wasn' t able to speak the day he died - he seriously wanted to say something... he tried the whole time to take off the oxygen mask and speak - but she kept putting it back and she stood there and told him he can die now, he can let go - that is what she said the whole time.

How do I deal with all this and make peace with everything? I hate that woman SO much it is scary... especially for my brother... he is heartbroken over my dad and because she refused him his father' s watch....

Thnx :-)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello henna,
Maybe there's a reason why so many fairy-tales feaures a wicked stepmother ? Yet I've come acros so many really excellent stepmothers who try so hard to handle the situation as well as possible.
But I remember your previous messages, she this one sounds a really horrible person.
It's such fake "Christianity" to parade a church-full of strangers past a dying man's bedside in a way thatg embarrasses him and provides him with no benefits. Obviously busy trying to look marvellous in front of her fellow-hypocrites.
At least it is a blessing that the poor man is now beyond two sources of misery - the cancer and the wife.
I don't understand the late decision to take him to the Hospice, when their workers could have come to the home and cared for him there.
Check with the hospice and get yourself a grief counsellor ( they will know people well experienced at this ) to help you deal with this complex grief and your many justifiable reasons for anger. But you all, your brother and sister included, nead to find peace and freedom from the insufferable cruelty of that witch. Don' allow her to create any more hurt for any of you ; and find closure yourselves, and ways to express your feelings for your dad, now at least quite separate from her.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/10/27

Hi There!

Are you in Cape Town?

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Woman | 2009/10/26

Henna, I am truly sorry for your loss. You must be heartbroken, and it seems that you are in a really sad place right now. Please try to put these sad happening away now, and celebrate your father' s life! So what if the evil witch screwed it up. He' s your dad, you have memories of him that she can never be a part of or intrude in. Concentrate on that.

Your father is past happiness and pain now. You should move towards a better place too.

Good luck to you, everything passes, even this.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/10/26

Hello henna,
Maybe there's a reason why so many fairy-tales feaures a wicked stepmother ? Yet I've come acros so many really excellent stepmothers who try so hard to handle the situation as well as possible.
But I remember your previous messages, she this one sounds a really horrible person.
It's such fake "Christianity" to parade a church-full of strangers past a dying man's bedside in a way thatg embarrasses him and provides him with no benefits. Obviously busy trying to look marvellous in front of her fellow-hypocrites.
At least it is a blessing that the poor man is now beyond two sources of misery - the cancer and the wife.
I don't understand the late decision to take him to the Hospice, when their workers could have come to the home and cared for him there.
Check with the hospice and get yourself a grief counsellor ( they will know people well experienced at this ) to help you deal with this complex grief and your many justifiable reasons for anger. But you all, your brother and sister included, nead to find peace and freedom from the insufferable cruelty of that witch. Don' allow her to create any more hurt for any of you ; and find closure yourselves, and ways to express your feelings for your dad, now at least quite separate from her.

Reply to cybershrink

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