Posted by: Bitter | 2009-01-22

CS - post 1440


The set up of the house hold - my sister, mom, dad and I used to share a house and share the expenses. I moved out because I could not handle how unfair and useless he is. Yes, when the lights are cut off he sits in the dark too, but he is such a nasty human being that he would not even make a plan to help pay the bill. In stead he just threatens my mom that ' they will have a talk when he gets home' , meaning he will scream at her telling her how useless she is for not paying the bills when the lights are cut off. It would be one huge fight that would go on all night. So she ends up making plans, borrowing money from other people just to keep the peace.

I hate this. Last night I went to their house for a quick visit and saw that the only thing they had to prepare for dinner was two packs of 2 min noodles, but as long as the dstv is paid and the electricity is on, my father is okay though he will complain that there' s nothing to eat, BUT comes home with a six pack beer everyday. It broke my heart, but I can' t always help them out. My mom is too soft. She needs to put her foot down. They both earn good-ish salaries and can make it work if they work together. It does not work when the wife is responsible to pay ALL the bills to keep the home functioning (she does earn a little more than he does) and the man contributes R 1000 towards everything. I hate him, but it' s not even worth it to waste my energy on this extreme emotion of bitterness towards him, because my mom will still stay married to him and I' m just poluting my soul. Somedays I just don' t know how to get around it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course he is behaving very unreasonably --- but there's something unreasonable in the way she accepts his abuse and enables him to proper within it. Why shouldn't he pay the utility bills ? Why can't she buy and prepare only enough food for herself, if he won't pay towards the food ? Wouldn't it be better for her to move out, as it would probably cost her less to support herself than it does at present to support him as well as herself ?
Basically, though, it's a sadly typical story of abuse, a man who does the abusing, and a woman who enables him to continue doing so, and fails to protect herself. Maybe POWA can advise ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bitter | 2009-01-22

I have always known that the way he treats my mom (and my sis and I) is unreasonable, but I have never seen the abuse as I see it today.

Thanks for the replies, but I dont think anyone understands what a piece of work he actually is. No one dares stand up to him and he will make things very very hard if you try to. Even though I tell my mom to stop taking his sh*t, she still defends him against me and chooses to see him as ' not that bad' . He' s an awful human being, just sorry that she does not see it. But then, they have been married for almost 30 years (she was 19) and she does not know of better. Dont know where I come from then, cause I would NEVER let a man treat me that way.

Reply to Bitter
Posted by: He' s a bully | 2009-01-22

Your father is a big bad bully and a woman abuser!! Tell your mom to stop taking his sh*t and to stand up for herself. She is also entitled to live. I would not (1) prepare his meals, (2) clean and wash for him (3) pay the electricity and DSTV or do anything else for him. I would just " forget"  about him and everything about him. I am sure she can live happily on her own without him and take care of herself and your sister. Some men - and they wonder why we are complete bitches!

Reply to He&#39 s a bully

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