Posted by: KF | 2009-03-17

Crush on younger man

I ' m married (40) and have a crush on a man 10-15 years younger than me. What worries me, I have lost interest in sex years ago (it is an effort to have sex with my wonderful husband) and now this man comes along and I feel like a teenager with raging hormones and filled with lust. I only see him twice a week (fitness class - group - he is instructor) and he has not shown interest in that way, always professional and treats me with respect. Is it normal to fantasise about a youngster and wishing for an opportunity to start an affair at this stage of my life? Any advise on how to deal with this lust and to get over it without making a complete fool of myself?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

There are several things you need to know that might help:
1) it is a very normal occurrence that hunger/libido reduces for women in a long term relationship - even when you still love your husband very much. Don't misread this as a sign of any problem in the relationship, it's something you need to work on to manage as best you can - try to refocus your attention on him, try to drive your desire for him (we can do this - eg..plan a date, have a nice pamper that makes you feel sexy and seduce him even if you feel no 'hunger' to begin with). If you do feel that your husband is wonderful, I'm assuming you wouldn't want to do anything to damage the relationship, so don' on...
2) we are capable of falling for multiple people, the chemistry is the same as it is in the beginning of most new relationships - we experience the effects of lust hormones and changes to our neurochemistry, so try to level yourself/sober up; those hormones can impair judgement! If you are feeling this in relation to this man, try to keep yourself 'safe' by not getting yourself into vulnerable situations (you'd be surprised how this can happen 'by accident'!). Just because you could 'fall' for multiple people doesn't mean you have to let this happen - i.e. act on it. As a western woman, I assume that you are part of the value system that adheres to monogamous relationships - this is not always easy and it sounds like this is your first test! If you do believe in monogamy and faithfulness in relationships, make sure you are armed with the 'traps' to help yourself pass the test.
3) if you wait this out/ignore the feelings, you may find that the more you get to know him, the more you realise how he doesn't match what you would want in a man; only part. It may be that that is how your feelings will subside, and I think they will in time.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Once bitten | 2009-03-18

Hi there. If U love your husband + family then don' t go down that road. The pain + heartache in the end is not worth it. Believe me, I' ve been there.

Reply to Once bitten
Posted by: David | 2009-03-17

I agree. if you watched Cheaters last night on Etv you would not have ven thought of this today. the wife had a SLK merc , never worked and she hada fling with her son`s friend, 20yrs old - she 40. and they were caught and has now lost her marriage and her children.

Reply to David
Posted by: bill | 2009-03-17

Use the lust constructively, when you get back from your fitness group, use your raging hormones and nail your husband so hard that he will be weak for days, maybe it will revive your sexlife with your husband and release some of your energy!
Don' t throw your family away to chase something like this.

Reply to bill
Posted by: XXX | 2009-03-17

If you want to keep your marriage together and consider your kids first then I suggest you avoid contact with this guy,go to another gym if necessary.Rather try and spice up your sex life with your husband.
We all are attracted to someone else at times but what we do about it sets us apart.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: TJ | 2009-03-17

i presume you have kids and that you have probaly been married =-+- 12 to 15 years and you want advice on wether to throw your marriage away or not wonder our society is so stuffed.

Reply to TJ

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