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Question
Posted by: Crossroads | 2012/10/09

Crossroads in my marriage

I have come to a crossroads in my 10 year marriage. Over the years there have been many ups and many downs, struggles and challenges. It wasn’ t until my 10 year anniversary weekend that I realised there is something seriously wrong with my marriage..
From what was supposed to be a happy adventure, turned into misery, regrets, bickering and fighting. I asked myself how it could be so difficult to just enjoy a weekend in each others company.
I was saddened by the fact that my husband got upset with HIS choice of accommodation and was miserable and grumpy for an entire day. I was ultimately told, how ungrateful I am and that I don’ t appreciate his efforts. Its such a long intricate story, but I believe that after doing extensive research, talking to friends and family realised that he is an emotional abuser.
If you search for the typical signs of an emotional abuser, I can name a scenario or event or situation for each of those “ warning signs” . It took the wind out of me, and I have always thought that maybe there was something really wrong with me.. and I wondered why my husband mostly never seemed happy with anything I do..
So back to the crossroads..which direction do I move in..do I continue or do I stay. We have two daughters..just sold our house and need to move within a month, but I don’ t know where I’ m going?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Odd, isn't it, how sometimes we can get so darn bust just dealing with the daily chores and challenges, that it can indeed take years to recognize that this is not working properly and needs to be fixed.
Maybe he is an emotional abuser and maybe not. Usually with the sort of problems you describe, you are both part of the problems, and must both be part of the solutions.
Why not talk to him about this (when he is in as close to a good or peaceful mood as he ever gets !) and suggest marriage counselling so you might both be able to become happier, and more functional ?
As 40-ish suggests, there are many problems to face if you decided to try to go it alone, too. Better make a real and hard effort together to see how far things can be sorted out, before giving up.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012/10/10

When you look for something bad in a person/husband you will allways get something. Have you spoken to him about how you feel deep inside? He for one does not think he is an " emotional abuser"  as you claim him to be. He might not even know he is doing something wrong!! And are you a good wife, an understanding wife an a supporting wife to him?

To leave him is going to bring so much other hassles and who says you are going to do better second time around?

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Romany | 2012/10/10

Afraid I have to agree with 40í sh here.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Crossroads | 2012/10/10

Thanks R!!!

You are an inspiration!!

Reply to Crossroads
Posted by: R | 2012/10/10

Often, it is better to even raise the kids on your own, than put up with all the bullsh!t!
I''m so glad my husband works away now. No I don''t need a man. He doesn''t support us financial, and all the other stuff that needs to done around the house by a man mostly gets done by me.
So take your ?''s 40-ish and stuff them.
Some of us will never get involved again if our marriages end, because we value ourselves and independence too much after going through all that.
I can relate very well with Crossroads.

Reply to R
Posted by: 40''ish | 2012/10/09

You think it will be different with another man? You think it''s nice to be single? To raise your kids through unpaid maintenance and every second weekend visitations? To have them meet their fathers new girlfriend? For you to date again?

How old are you? 30 - 40 ? Do you know that men your age go for girls in their 20''s. Think about this very carefully. We all have tiffs and fights.

Are you prepared to move into a small place? To do everything completely alone?

You want to start over now? Have you tried everything in your power to get your husband to counseling?

If you can say yes you have tried everything and anything THEN only do you move on but realize its a lonely place you are going to. You will lose friends who have to take sides etc.

Reply to 40''ish
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/09

Odd, isn't it, how sometimes we can get so darn bust just dealing with the daily chores and challenges, that it can indeed take years to recognize that this is not working properly and needs to be fixed.
Maybe he is an emotional abuser and maybe not. Usually with the sort of problems you describe, you are both part of the problems, and must both be part of the solutions.
Why not talk to him about this (when he is in as close to a good or peaceful mood as he ever gets !) and suggest marriage counselling so you might both be able to become happier, and more functional ?
As 40-ish suggests, there are many problems to face if you decided to try to go it alone, too. Better make a real and hard effort together to see how far things can be sorted out, before giving up.

Reply to cybershrink

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