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Question
Posted by: Remembering | 2011/10/06

Could there be a link?

I am a 33 year old lady who and haven’ t been lucky in relationships, what’ s worse I seem to believe every tom, dick and harry who says they love me, and often come into my life and leave whenever it suits them. I had an absent father whom I tried to have a relationship with since my teenage years (starting when I was 16), but he was not interested. I so much wanted my father to love me, but it did not happen, I feel like my relationship fails because I am trying to replace the fatherly love with the one I get from relationships, is this possible?. The other thing is I was molested by my older cousin (girl) when I was young, I think I was about 12/13 at the time and only in the past year I remembered all that happened, and I hate remembering all that, is that possible and could all of this have contributed to my need to be loved. I am generally a nice person (or so people say), well set, successful but I am just so tired of this feelings of loneliness, and relationships that don’ t work out. Is it possible I haven’ t dealt with the issues, any link?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, presumably you have learned that nobody on earth is loved by every tom dick or harry, nor by anyone who just says they love them. Its sad that your father was so inept at relationships that he was unable to accept your love, but that's his fault and his loss. It may indeed be that this has left you a bit desperate to find love from a man who might replace the absent father, but looking for love for the wrong reasons often fails, and some unpleasant people are skilled at sensing your degree of desperation and neediness, and exploiting it unkindly.
You could be greatly helped by a practical, CBT-oriebnted ( not analytically oriented ) psychologist, to improve your self-esteem and free yourself from the bad baggage resulting from your earlier bad experiences.
Psychotherapy needs to take into account the past you experienced, but the great benefit of CBT is that rather than merely rolling around in the past, it concentrates on what unhelpful assumptions,beliefs and habits you developed on the basis of that past, and on then changing those to more fruitful ways of enjoying life.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/06

OK, presumably you have learned that nobody on earth is loved by every tom dick or harry, nor by anyone who just says they love them. Its sad that your father was so inept at relationships that he was unable to accept your love, but that's his fault and his loss. It may indeed be that this has left you a bit desperate to find love from a man who might replace the absent father, but looking for love for the wrong reasons often fails, and some unpleasant people are skilled at sensing your degree of desperation and neediness, and exploiting it unkindly.
You could be greatly helped by a practical, CBT-oriebnted ( not analytically oriented ) psychologist, to improve your self-esteem and free yourself from the bad baggage resulting from your earlier bad experiences.
Psychotherapy needs to take into account the past you experienced, but the great benefit of CBT is that rather than merely rolling around in the past, it concentrates on what unhelpful assumptions,beliefs and habits you developed on the basis of that past, and on then changing those to more fruitful ways of enjoying life.

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