Posted by: shy girl | 2009-02-02

could i be the problem in my marriage

hi Doc
i am with hubby for 11 years married for 3 years- have a 2 year old- i am overall happy but i am somehow unhappy. we have our arguments as normal couples but i tend to take it too far. i say alot of hurtful things to my husband that leave me feeling very bad later on. My issues are that i am unhappy in my current job and i earn a shit salary- i cannot make it through the month with my salary and find myself leaning on my husband and that makes me angry- more self pride. Hubby has a good job- earns good money and it a great person but i seem to have the issue here- i feel intimidated, insecure, not good enough- i am unable to provide for my 2 year old as much as he does and i cannot even take proper care of myself financially- this is bugging me badly cause when we argue i pick on him and his job and his money etc etc but those are the things i am feeling. i know i am hurting my husband but i just cannot seem to help myself or control the outburst- i feel i work hard, at work come home and do the same and i get tired sometimes and frustrated. not sure what to do- i have been looking for a better job for a better salary but nothing is happening- its hard to stay positive when your life feels stagnent and there' s nothing worse than feeling like a nobody- if we decide to go our seperate ways i will not make it on my own financially- what can i do?

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Our expert says:
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Sometimes when one is very unhappy in a job, where one can't express that, one tends to take it out on one's spouse, who doesn't deserve it, but it handy. Marriage counselling, perhaps preceded by some individual counselling for you, could be wise. Remember hat the point of a marriage is to share resources and tasks, not to be entirely independent financially, or to consider the one earning somewhat less, to be a loser --- that's just not so.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: shy girl | 2009-02-03

Well that is true Steve i don' t wallow on the couch in self pity and yes i do contribute in other factors like taking care of our daughter, cooking and cleaning but i sometimes feel that there is more to me than just doing house hold chores and earning a shit salary but then again i have taken in all the comments and feedback from all the others on this site and i am gonna try and make a change and stop making money an issue in MY life and honstly speaking we do share responsibilites as husband and wife it' s just i am really battling and once again financially. I must put an end to this... Thanks for all the chatting..

Reply to shy girl
Posted by: Steve | 2009-02-03

I think that you are alluding to the problem in saying - he also does say things like- '  he cannot do it all on his own'  how about me putting in some effort etc etc

I think that your reactions are knee jerk, and something I can see you don' t like doing.

I don' t believe that a relationship is based on a points system. Yes, obviously one cannot carry the other and get nothing or too little in return. But a relationship is combining strengths and mitigating weaknesses.

So I am pretty sure that even if you don' t contribute financially, you more than make up with other things. Looking after kids, etc... I am very sure you don' t veg on the couch wallowing in self pity.

Reply to Steve
Posted by: Ni | 2009-02-03

It all start within you.
You are not supposed to be competing with your husband or anybody for that matter instead let those people more successful than you in certain areas be your inspiration to do better. If you want to get anywhere in life, stop what you are doing currently.
Money does not make anyone but what you are in " heart" .
I think it is good that you don' t earn much compared to him because it might just make you a selfish person and respect your husband less because you can afford a living without him.
Also, combining your salaries as a family could help. At least your shouldn' t feel that bad.
Also, husbands are providers for the family. I don' t see why it should be an issue if he can do that for his family.
You are making an issue out of nothing.

Reply to Ni
Posted by: shy girl | 2009-02-03

thank you all for the response and yes Steve it is possible that it could be deeper than what it sounds- i have always been an independent women and to lean on my husband too much- puts alots of pressure on him too i mean he also does say things like- '  he cannot do it all on his own'  how about me putting in some effort etc etc so for me it all boils down to money cause i cannot do much without money.. i don' t feel like i should be the superior or earn more i just feel that i cannot contribute as much as i would like and then again i am expressing it all wrong whereas causing a negative effect.

Reply to shy girl
Posted by: Leiigh | 2009-02-03

Please please look long and hard for your self-confidence! You have many tremendous things in your life which should have you jumping over the moon. You have a child, you have a husband who is providing you with security and love, and you have a job - a crappy one but a job.
Why do you feel you deserve to bring in as much money as your husband? Should your husband feel less of a person because he can' t birth a child? Why give your worth a monetary value? There is no value - it is beyond price.
Love yourself, find your happiness deep inside yourself and you will find life so much more exciting and fun.

Reply to Leiigh
Posted by: Steve | 2009-02-03

But there is another whole side to this. Why are things his and hers, why aren' t they ours? Surely that is what love is all about. Why is it that his earnings create any issue? Surely with true love, all the money is combined and it doesn' t matter. So what is happening on his side that has created this, doesn' t he see that either. I think the problem is deeper than it appears.

Reply to Steve
Posted by: Ja | 2009-02-03

You know the answer. If you want to loose him carry on with your behavior. If not, stop your nonsense.

Reply to Ja
Posted by: Gemini | 2009-02-03

I believe that you have not really sat down and considered the real meaning of the word LOVE. Love is the total committment 100 percent giving, physically and emotionally to your hubby and he must do the same. There must never be conscious taking, only giving and in that way you are both always receiving. You know full well that to attack your hubby for his success is both unfair, selfish and spiteful. So...... a) reconsider the word love and put it into practice. b) make a determined effort to stop attacking hubby and be grateful for what he can provide.
c) have a good look at why you are unhappy in your job and why are you stuck there? Do you need to reinvent yourself and educate yourself better in a specific direction? d) please be grateful that you HAVE a job to moan about.

Hope that these points have given you food for thought., You seem to be basically a really nice person and at least honest with yourself and prepared to acknowledge your short-comings. Thats a huge step in the right direction. Good luck girl !!

Reply to Gemini

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