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Question
Posted by: Judy | 2012-09-05

controlling fiancee

Hi, I live with my fiancee. All was moonshine and roses for the first year until I moved in. Have been living with him nearly two years. He often critisises me as opposed to complementing and reasuring me in the beginning. Petty issues for example " where is the lid for the milk?"  He often does this in front of family and friends. It makes me feel so inadequate and useless. He told me he is unhappy at home. He also acts happy with other people but hardly chat to me in the lightweighted way we used to anymore. He exercises every evening and comes home late. we take dance lessons together, which is our only common ground. Recently we had a huge fight over dancing. He ruined my birthday evening out by expecting me to dance to music I wasnt comfortable with. by putting pressure on me I usually just go blank and couldnt even remember the steps. He pushed me until I cracked. I then screamed at him in public. I was wrong I know but I was driven to react in a way I have never before. He also doesnt talk about problems just withdraws his love. When we eventually spoke about it a week later, he as usual blamed me and threatened to leave me. We then agreed to try again but with dealbreakers in place. His is obvious. Mine, that he stops critising me and withdrawing his affection when there are problems. He further, told me that he will continue dancing on his own for a while. We both dance seperately and get together again. I dont agree but told him I respect his wishes although its causing animosity. I also recommended we go for counseling. Needless to say I was told that I am the one who needs it. Dealbreakers are in place..so far so good...but I feel a distance between us that I cant even measure. What now? And should I go back to dancing with him? I would if it is on my terms with no pressure involved. Am I doing the right thing and what about the dealbreakers? How much should I tolerate in future re dancing and critisism? Also, I am having a difficult time to differentiate between what is emotional abuse and what not? Outside of this relationship I would have said yes it is, but somehow from the inside I am confused. He always finds fault with me and when he finds it he blows it out of porportion. Example: he invited a friend to visit another sick friend in hospital. I didnt ask if I can go with coz firstly I am not close to the sick friend and secondly he didnt ask me and to me it seemed he had chosen his company. He went for me after. Accusing me that I wont ever be there for him in a crisis oneday.Im not there when he needs me...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

XXX has probably made the correct diagnosis - this guy sounds like a jerk. Why would you want to choose to live with someone like this ? He seems to take no rsponsibility for his own actions, and to blame yopu for anything that goes wrong, and to enjoy beliyyling you - what on earth would be the bebefor of remaining with such a person ?
It's not your task to learn to accept such bad behaviour, but to NOT accept it and plan a sae exit, and to be more cautious in future relationships

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Gr8 | 2012-09-05

If you continue in such a relationship, you will end up having a low self esteem. Would you like living like that?

Reply to Gr8
Posted by: XXX | 2012-09-05

A bit difficult reading your post without paragraphs but it seems like this guy is a jerk.I would seriously think about your future together.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-09-05

XXX has probably made the correct diagnosis - this guy sounds like a jerk. Why would you want to choose to live with someone like this ? He seems to take no rsponsibility for his own actions, and to blame yopu for anything that goes wrong, and to enjoy beliyyling you - what on earth would be the bebefor of remaining with such a person ?
It's not your task to learn to accept such bad behaviour, but to NOT accept it and plan a sae exit, and to be more cautious in future relationships

Reply to cybershrink

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