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Question
Posted by: Jane | 2011-02-18

CONSTANT CONFLICT

Hi, I hope you can give me some advice. My son died nearly three years ago - medical negligence. I had incredible trouble coping after that and following a day where I very nearly committed suicide, I asked for help and was given anti-depressants. I went for some councelling and must say that I am ok now. I still miss him but I don''t want to jump off the nearest bridge anymore. The problem is my husband''s anger. He is in the process of suing civilly but it is close to an obsession with him. He speaks of little else, does little else and has simply (in my opinion) stopped living. He accuses me of not being supportive because I refuse to think of this tragedy ALL the time. I do not want to go through the medical records purely because it puts me back again and then it really takes me weeks to get out of that mindset again. I feel that he doesn''t see my point that we grieve differently and that although I am not in denial concerning his death or the cause of it, I simply chose not to allow this to anger me all the time. I have days when I am angry and very sad but in general, I am coping fine. It feels as though I don''t want to go home anymore and the only reason I am is because we have other children who need me.
He feels that he is alone in his search for " justice" . He isn''t going to find what he is looking for and we cannot afford this civil suit. I am afraid that he is never going to find the closure he is looking for.
I don''t want to leave him but at this stage it feels to me as though my sanity is more important purely because I am still a mother to two other children.
am I being selfish and unsupportive? Or do I count as well...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I am sure your son would have preferred that you both managed to recover from your obvious and natural grief, and even if you decided to proceed to take legal action, not to become obsessed with the tragedy or consumer by bitterness.
It is sad that he will probably not see his need for counselling, and if he pins all his hopes on getting "justice". sadyl a rare outcome of any action in the courts, he may be horribly disappointed. You are not being selfish or unsupportive, but he is not understandin any alternative way of responding to the situation other than his own.
Could he be pursuaded to go for counselling AS WELL as pursuing the civil action, at present ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-02-19

I am sure your son would have preferred that you both managed to recover from your obvious and natural grief, and even if you decided to proceed to take legal action, not to become obsessed with the tragedy or consumer by bitterness.
It is sad that he will probably not see his need for counselling, and if he pins all his hopes on getting "justice". sadyl a rare outcome of any action in the courts, he may be horribly disappointed. You are not being selfish or unsupportive, but he is not understandin any alternative way of responding to the situation other than his own.
Could he be pursuaded to go for counselling AS WELL as pursuing the civil action, at present ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Soul | 2011-02-18

The sad part is that everyone copes differently with the lose of a loved one.
The thing about your hubby is that he has not accepted what has happened and this is the way he is dealing with it. I know it doesn''t make it easy on you but for him it''s almost a life line to hold onto your son and for justice to be served.
Whether he gets the justice that his looking for will be hard to say.
My heart breaks for you to go through so much pain and to not want to face it and relive it I do understand why you don''t want to, it hurts too much.
For your hubby this has consumed him and it keeps him going it keeps him fighting. For him to stand still and wait it will shatter him, you will see before you a badly broken man.

I wish you folks peace and healing you guys need it so much.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Purple | 2011-02-18

Sounds to me like you are coping and your husband isn''t.

Perhaps explain to him that you support him completely but that you don''t feel up to reliving the whole trauma through the medical records but that you will be there for him every step of the way, but that you think he should also see a counselor as you have found that extremely helpful.

I can''t even imagine what you have gone through and admire you for putting your anger aside and functioning so well. I" m sure you have good and bad days, but it sounds like on the whole you are coping.

Reply to Purple

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