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Posted by: Annon | 2012/07/16

confussed

I have just recently came upon this posting and realised that there were more people going through what I am going through.
My husband of 13 years got someone else pregnant and he confessed, apologised and asked me not to tell our families about the baby and asked that I allow him to deal with the situation the best way he sees fit. He refuses to discuss, commit and agree on how we are going to deal with the woman and baby once born. He promised me that he only speaks to the woman about the baby and nothing else  however, I have twice come across text messages which suggest otherwise. I confronted him about it but he turns around and accuses me of going through his phone behind his back.
He plans to be available when the baby is born and financially and emotionally be there for the child and wants the baby to take our surname and put on our medical aid. He justifies being there for the birth because he was there for the birth of our three kids. I don’ t know what to make of this because at one point he says our family comes first, but on the other he does something else. I am confused and wonder if this is worth keeping and protecting his secret from our families because I didn’ t do anything.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What he is asking for is highly unrealistic and unreasonable. He is YOUR husband, and he chose ( presumably not forced at gunpoint ) to have a sexual affair with another woman and to get her pregnant. He has shown a selfish disregard for the problems this will inevitably cause you, her and most of all the child, and a consistently lousy moral and practical judgement.
So for him to ask you to just trust him and allow him to make all the decisions about how he will now run his life ( and yours ) without even discussing it, is selfish and foolish.
Yo are right to notice that there is a large gulf between what he says and what he does. When something like this happens, always listen to what he does, and discount what he says, which is usually manipulative.
And he has nom right to insist that you keep all this a secret from your families, especially your own - tell your family and freelly discuss it with them, that is your right, and you have a right to get support and advice, which he is denying you. And if your family choose to tell his, so be it.
He has been deceiving you, and maybe her, and is insisting on deceiving both families. He has no right to insit that you or anyone else leep that a secret.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/16

What he is asking for is highly unrealistic and unreasonable. He is YOUR husband, and he chose ( presumably not forced at gunpoint ) to have a sexual affair with another woman and to get her pregnant. He has shown a selfish disregard for the problems this will inevitably cause you, her and most of all the child, and a consistently lousy moral and practical judgement.
So for him to ask you to just trust him and allow him to make all the decisions about how he will now run his life ( and yours ) without even discussing it, is selfish and foolish.
Yo are right to notice that there is a large gulf between what he says and what he does. When something like this happens, always listen to what he does, and discount what he says, which is usually manipulative.
And he has nom right to insist that you keep all this a secret from your families, especially your own - tell your family and freelly discuss it with them, that is your right, and you have a right to get support and advice, which he is denying you. And if your family choose to tell his, so be it.
He has been deceiving you, and maybe her, and is insisting on deceiving both families. He has no right to insit that you or anyone else leep that a secret.

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