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Question
Posted by: Sandy | 2012/08/27

Confusion......or is it!!

Good day Doc

Where do i start ,well ive come for your advise because i have a major decision that i have to make today ,whether to continue a relationship with my Ex boyfriend or not ,well let me give you a background,we have been together for 6 years,the relationship has been very nive at the begining in the first year or two ,there was physical abuse which was blamed on my actions from his part ,he has two children that we lived with that i adore ,ive felt trapped and unappreciated and taken for granted over the past 6 months to the extent that i almost had an emotional affair,well my ex decided to end the relationship due to that almost affair,i have come to accept that the relationship is over and was moving on ,today im suppose to sign a lease agreement for my new place and on friday my ex asked me to go out with him ,we had a few drinks ,had dinner ,i actually enjoyed myself ,he kissed me and i felt no emotional connection ,the things that he did it was as if the old kind caring person was back ,he told me that he felt as though he was inlove with me again for the very first time ,on my part it feels good to be loved and wanted but i feel like im not there anymore ,he wants us to try and work things out and i feel bad because i am not sure if that is what i want ,ive been through hell emotionally over the past few months ,i do love him and i dont think that will ever change but at the same time i dont want to dissapoint him and say no and at the same time i feel so unsure and i dont want to regret it three months down the line ,what should i do ,what is done in this case ,i really need perspective ,this morning i cried over it because i really dont know what to do ,he is kind caring and sweet ,knows me more than anyone ,but i feel like maybe the relationship did not work for a reason ,im really confused.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Abusers ALWAYS blame their victims. And their victims are NEVER to blame for the abuse, even if they may be unhelpful or even accidentally encouraging of it, in how they respond to it.
Let's summarize what you seem to be saying. You're not sure whether to stay with someone who was abusive for an extended period of time, and blamed you for that, who now takes you for granted, and put you through months of "hell emotionally " ? Then, when you were ready to move on and become independent he suddenly invited you to dinner and acted all loving to the extent that this confused you ?
Isn't this perhaps also a disguised form of abuse ? Most abusers are highly skilled at being intermittently loving and caring to keep their victims close to them, but don't remain consistently thus. You are still doing as he wanted, getting confused when that suits him, blaming yourself for whatever goes wrong in the relationship, letting him control it all, and scared to be independent.
Yes indeed, "it feels good to be loved and wanted" - but not at any price. There are people who will love you, and want you, without the price you have paid for this so far.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Miss P | 2012/08/29

Let it go... Forgive him and forgive yourself so that you can move on. Loving yourself first is more important.
I was in a similar relationship for nearly 10 years. It took more than 4years to become involved in a relationship again. He will be sweet, kind and loving until you take him back. Then it will be back to his old ways again. Sorry love! Cry, read, excercise ... do something to keep your life going

Reply to Miss P
Posted by: JOE | 2012/08/29

tough choice but in my experience..u will go back to him because you have a history with him and majority of women always go back to the abuser...

Reply to JOE
Posted by: Nicole | 2012/08/28

When you find someone who loves you for you, you going to be shocked by the fact that you loved this abuser that hurt you so! Move on and let time heal this heart so that you can find someone who loves you not because they need you or you need them but LOVES who you are and what you stand for. FInd yourself!
Love yourself!
Be kind to yourself!
(I was in the same relationship for eight years, it took me 3 years to recover and rediscover ME and I cannot even begin to describe how grateful I am to have left! And how very happy I am with myself now! (he made me think i was useless and could never find someone else to love me-but thats part of their insecurities and abuse)! I cant tell you to leave but I strongly recommend it! It was the hardest decision of my life but the best one ever! And im now super proud for having done it!
good luck! and make any decision based on you (theres a reason you feel it didnt work for a reason, listen to your inner voice and make decisions based on love not fear)! love yourself!

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: cheaky | 2012/08/28

You said it yourself....... when he kissed you... there was no connection/ nothing there........ therein lies your answer... if you felt nothing then all you are basically holding onto is... familiarity......

you can sign your lease and still maybe date him, to see how you feel about stuff.... but do not make the mistake of allowing him to take away your independance once again when you are so close to having it...... trust me, some men like doing that... they want us to be soley dependant on them.. then they have the control...

You need to take control of your life... and not allow him to control you.

2 saying i go by:

KOZ I CAN, and
ITS ALL ABOUT ME.

try thinking of your needs and what will bring your closer to happiness.... and having your independance is a start.

Good luck and hope you make the right choices for yourself

Reply to cheaky
Posted by: Temajobe | 2012/08/28

You have no future with this man. Hard as it might seem for now, you need to be strong and move on. He has you where he wants - that is confused and him being in control again. this is emotional blackmail. in the end he will one day remind you that you are weak and running backwards and forwards. move on while you are still in one piece

Reply to Temajobe
Posted by: michele | 2012/08/28

He''s emotionally blackmailing you - dont do it - move on - in the long run you will see - HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT YOU CAN BE WITHOUT HIM AND MOVE ON AND MEET A KIND GENTLE TRUE LOVING MAN

Reply to michele
Posted by: C | 2012/08/28

Run and never look back, he is a user and abuser, never go back, look to the horizon, someone loving and caring is waiting for you.

Reply to C
Posted by: experienced!!! | 2012/08/27

Don''t do it!!!!!!! Be strong and move on with your life!!!! He did not see your worth then, what makes you think he will now????

Reply to experienced!!!
Posted by: jo | 2012/08/27

Dont do it!

Reply to jo
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/27

Abusers ALWAYS blame their victims. And their victims are NEVER to blame for the abuse, even if they may be unhelpful or even accidentally encouraging of it, in how they respond to it.
Let's summarize what you seem to be saying. You're not sure whether to stay with someone who was abusive for an extended period of time, and blamed you for that, who now takes you for granted, and put you through months of "hell emotionally " ? Then, when you were ready to move on and become independent he suddenly invited you to dinner and acted all loving to the extent that this confused you ?
Isn't this perhaps also a disguised form of abuse ? Most abusers are highly skilled at being intermittently loving and caring to keep their victims close to them, but don't remain consistently thus. You are still doing as he wanted, getting confused when that suits him, blaming yourself for whatever goes wrong in the relationship, letting him control it all, and scared to be independent.
Yes indeed, "it feels good to be loved and wanted" - but not at any price. There are people who will love you, and want you, without the price you have paid for this so far.

Reply to cybershrink

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