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Question
Posted by: John Doe | 2009-11-04

Confusing sexuality

Hello Dr! I am a 27 yr old man. Before I turned 12, I distinctly remember that I was sexually attracted to females (eg I would see a woman' s sexy leg &  would have a physical reaction). I was not attracted to men in the strictest possible sense. One day, at a school swimming gala when I was 12, I saw two guys naked in the showers &  it turned me on. From then onwards, I was physically attracted to men, even the sight of women' s breasts does not turn me on. As a teenager, I had a lot of anger towards my father who used to drink a lot &  swear at my brothers &  I a lot, sometimes abuse us and my mom... He had an affair &  it caused my parents to divorce when I was 9. Before that I loved him, even though he was very absent in our house, irresponsible and selfish. I have forgiven him and we chat nowadays. However, I still feel like a have this change of being sexually attracted to men. Thing is, I want to been in a relationship with a woman. I have had sexual experiences with men (though never penetrative sex), and I have had penetrative sex with a woman. If I think of a naked man, or see one, I get turned on instantly, but not when I think/see a naked woman. But I don' t want to date men/marry a man as I doubt I can ever be fulfilled emotionally, I' m just not interested. I really think I can be fulfilled emotionally by a woman, it' s just, I don' t get turned on by women instantly. I am so confused and wish I had a clear-cut solution. I can' t go through life either/or. It makes more sense for me to be with a woman, I’ ve always wanted to be married and have children. But if a guy tells a girl, I' m also attracted to men, they reject you because they automatically assume you’ re gay. Please could you give me some guidance here. I have divergent views. On the one hand, I feel like I never chose to be this way. On the other hand, I wonder whether I compromised in some way and the change was gradual? If people ask me what my sexual preference is, I always say, I' m not gay, I' m not straight, I' m me (I’ ve read up about ancient Greek male sexuality, and the Native American two-spirit, and Schrodinger’ s cat, etc). Would it not be unfair for me to marry a woman whom I know I can love in every possible way, yet still be aware that I am also sexually attracted to men? How on earth do you tell a woman this AND expect her to stay with you (realistically women don’ t stay, they think you’ re gay, and the thought will always be there). I’ m not keen on the idea of an open marriage. I just feel confused and it has been confusing since that day when I was 12 that I saw those naked guys in the shower at the gala. At this moment, I keep on thinking: If I were to be with a woman, I would still want to jerk off now and then and think about naked guys  similarly, if I were with a guy, I would always want the emotional fulfilment that my experience tells me only a woman can provide for me. Am I doomed to walk the face of the earth forever alone? What do I do??? Please help. Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK. Not doomed, but a bit confused. And the best route would be to see a gay-friendly shrink ( by which I mean one who is not hostile and can be neutral as to what he/she thinks you SHOULD be, so as to be better able to help you explore and understand yourself better ) for a full assessment. You wouldn't be the first guy wih homosexual interests who chose not to reveal them and got married to a woman. But it is best to work with a therapist to clarify what would be best for you and your partner.
As you will know from your reading ( I don't recall the precise sexuality of Schrodinger's Cat !) most people are not exclusively straight or gay, and many are somewhere between the two extremes. It is admirable that you are aware of the implications for your potential partner, and want to think this through before making impulsove decisions

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: John Doe | 2009-11-06

Thank you.

Reply to John Doe
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-11-04

OK. Not doomed, but a bit confused. And the best route would be to see a gay-friendly shrink ( by which I mean one who is not hostile and can be neutral as to what he/she thinks you SHOULD be, so as to be better able to help you explore and understand yourself better ) for a full assessment. You wouldn't be the first guy wih homosexual interests who chose not to reveal them and got married to a woman. But it is best to work with a therapist to clarify what would be best for you and your partner.
As you will know from your reading ( I don't recall the precise sexuality of Schrodinger's Cat !) most people are not exclusively straight or gay, and many are somewhere between the two extremes. It is admirable that you are aware of the implications for your potential partner, and want to think this through before making impulsove decisions

Reply to cybershrink

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