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Question
Posted by: confusedsuzy | 2011/11/25

confusing sexual behaviour

i am dating a guy of 51, 11 year older than me. he has been married three times. obviously you don''t turn 51 without lots of stories, and although our lives were totally different up to now, i understand that he has experienced a lot more than me, a calvinistic girl at heart who married her first boyfriend and stayed married for 15 years.... anyway, we''ve been seeing each other for about 2 years, and has known each other professionally for about 5 years before we started dating. So, yes, i would say i know him well, or so i would have thought. A couple of months ago i helped him sort his cupboards, I discovered a whole box of what looked like hard-core porn! He claimed it was his ex wife''s and he did not know what to do with it as he did not want to put it in the rubbish bin. He was furious with me for thinking it was his. Then another couple of month''s later, i work on his PC, and yes, found that he explores some interesting sites...again, angry at me for making it something dirty, he says all men do that from time to time. Last night, I start an innocent conversation, saying I wonder what goes on in the mind of a man that sleeps with prostitutes, how he thinks, what propels him etc. No surprise, a big argument again, as I am so judgemental....his reaction can only tell me that he is no stranger to this....i don''t want any confessions, i know it''s got nothing to do with me, but why do i feel so hurt and betrayed today? Is it really so normal for men to explore all these things? Am i just such a prude?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear confusedsuzy,

We do live in a society where the spectrum and diversity of values is rather vast.

Then there is also the reality that we may be raised and socialised in our particular family with its own value system, within a spiritual/religious value system, cultural value system and living at a particular point in time and history. It is very common that at points in our lives that we may explore and experiment with certain behaviours (thoughts, ideas etc) that may be contrary to the values we were socialised into. Remember values are "belief systems". Then there is the natural curious ever growing human being with his/her naturally occurring desires and needs.

Thus it is fairly common that we may discover and engage in behaviours that may be in conflict with our socialised values, resulting in adapting or changing our values or keeping it in denial or repression.

It is also common that we may find ourselves in relationships where the value system and/or behaviours of a partner does not necessarily completely match our own. The discovery of these sometime significant sometimes subtle differences are the moments in relationships that need to be worked through and can result in a deepening and growing of the individuals and the relationship or a distancing and possible realisation that the differences are to significant to sustain a relationship.

So to answer your direct questions.Yes it is very normal for men to explore things such as pornography and erotica. It is not uncommon for men, for various reasons to have explored the experience of a sex worker or casual sexual relationships. It is also a fairly common experience for women, especially if they themselves come from more conservative and traditional cultural and religious backgrounds, to experience a sense of betrayal when they discover this.

It is important that a couple work through these issues. The assistance and support of an objective sex therapist can be helpful in this.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: th | 2011/11/28

You would be surprised how many men have done prostitutes and your sheer hatred for prostitutes is appalling, calling them whores and all that. As long as along the way we realise that they are human and are rendering a service that people like you are unable to provide. You sound way too perfect, I would not date..you. I don''t think you have a men and if you do is one of those"  yes ma''m type.

I hope you can deal with this post, is on purpose and intended to upset you because you unnessarily rude.

Reply to th
Posted by: Romany | 2011/11/28

Actually... this has EVERYTHING rto do with you.
You are sharing your life and your BIDY with this man at the moment. Truth is, if he gets worked-up about you discovering his little secrets, he is obviously engaging in things that all men DO NOT do, by the way.
I would be very sceptical if I were you....
Think of all the disgusting deseases whores get into contact with daily without having much choice and then think if you would like to catch some of them?
Nope, I would move on of I were you. I think perverts are weak people with low self esteem.I also think men that pay whores for sex are not worth wasting a minute on.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: xxx | 2011/11/26

Some men are obsessed with sex and they hide it i have a guy that work with me here he even have porn mag in his office, this depend on the individuals. not all men are like that for example i never shared a woman with other guys i never had three some. i dont fantasies about this stuff.

you will never know people untill you stay with them.

Reply to xxx
Posted by: sexologist | 2011/11/26

Dear confusedsuzy,

We do live in a society where the spectrum and diversity of values is rather vast.

Then there is also the reality that we may be raised and socialised in our particular family with its own value system, within a spiritual/religious value system, cultural value system and living at a particular point in time and history. It is very common that at points in our lives that we may explore and experiment with certain behaviours (thoughts, ideas etc) that may be contrary to the values we were socialised into. Remember values are "belief systems". Then there is the natural curious ever growing human being with his/her naturally occurring desires and needs.

Thus it is fairly common that we may discover and engage in behaviours that may be in conflict with our socialised values, resulting in adapting or changing our values or keeping it in denial or repression.

It is also common that we may find ourselves in relationships where the value system and/or behaviours of a partner does not necessarily completely match our own. The discovery of these sometime significant sometimes subtle differences are the moments in relationships that need to be worked through and can result in a deepening and growing of the individuals and the relationship or a distancing and possible realisation that the differences are to significant to sustain a relationship.

So to answer your direct questions.Yes it is very normal for men to explore things such as pornography and erotica. It is not uncommon for men, for various reasons to have explored the experience of a sex worker or casual sexual relationships. It is also a fairly common experience for women, especially if they themselves come from more conservative and traditional cultural and religious backgrounds, to experience a sense of betrayal when they discover this.

It is important that a couple work through these issues. The assistance and support of an objective sex therapist can be helpful in this.

Reply to sexologist

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