Posted by: Also confused | 2011-06-30

Confuseds'' Girlfriend

Hi Doc
I am ''confused''s (29/06) girlfriend of many many years and him and i have very recently hit a bump in the road.

From my side, i would also appreciate some help too please.

About a week ago i was innocently looking at my boyfriends phone when i came across a message from a girl which only read " Hey babe"  and nothing else. I felt this was rather strange as for starters that''s the term of endearment i have for my boyfriend and secondly that the message didn''t say anything else. He explained that this was just one of those girls who call everyone babe/babes/gorgeous etc and i understood that because I have met many girls like that.

But then i saw another message from a girl saying thank you for her beautiful birthday cake. Last year he mentioned that he took one of he''s clients a cake for their birthday and I was completely fine with it. But now i have to find out that he ordered 2 expensive cakes from an exclusive bakery and delivered it and felt he couldn''t tell me. And I began questioning why he would feel he couldn''t tell me about this when we chat about what we did in our day when I was completely ok with the gesture in the past. If the roles were reversed, buying a colleague a nice gift for their birthday would be something I would mention to my boyfriend. These girls also then invited him out for drinks as one of them is leaving but never invited any other reps, just him? I really don''t mind him working with girls and he has been doing it for many years without any problems but this just feels really different for me.

This unfortunately started to make me think that maybe he''s hiding other things from me which made me start noticing other small things that he does, such as switch off his phone as soon as he gets to my house, delete all the messages from these girls, freak out if I touch his phone without him...even if just to see the time...

The worst part about all of this is that it has created an element of doubt in me that although i''m trying really hard to dismiss, i just can''t seem to! I have never been an insecure person previously but suddenly I feel this way. I do believe him when he says that he loves me and has never been unfaithful but i just can''t shake this aweful feeling and it''s driving me crazy because I love him more than anything and we are even making plans to spend the rest of our lives together but no matter how hard I try this has affected me and I want nothing more than to move on and forget about this all but I don''t know how.

Please help

Thanking you
Confused''s girlfriend

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I am wondering, firstly, how any of us just "innocently" look at our friend's phone.
babe can be a term of endearment, or a meaningless verbal tic, depending on how its used and who uses it. But choosing to buy Expensive exclusive fancy cakes for anyone is not a routine business practice ( nobody's ever done that for me, in business ! ) ; it's not something you'd readily do for someone with any ordinary position in your life ( how many has he bought for you lately ? ) and if it was innocent, why would he hesitate to tell you ?
When you mention "other reps", though, I don't know what is going on. If they are all one or other form of rep within a company or business area, some do have a silly and over-expensive company practise of buying expensive treats for each other, making far too much fuss over birthdays, and trying to pretend that drinking sessions have something to do with business.
Some companies prefer girl reps, believing them to be more able to wheedle men into ordering stuff that isn't really needed.
Switching off his phone and deleting message on it could indeed be suspicious behaviour, or perhaps just a concern that you might be over-upset by ambiguous messages.
Why not consider seeing a couples counsellor together, to see if this is something that could or should be ironed out ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: James | 2011-07-01

To Romany - first off you generalised by stating " That''''s men for you !"  and hence my response to you. As for issues with my ex, there are no issues, I merely stated the situation to show that it is not only men that cheat.

Reply to James
Posted by: Mickey | 2011-06-30

Well said Monk....

Reply to Mickey
Posted by: monk | 2011-06-30

I tell you what has been happening, he is flirting that''s what. If he was cheating - that is definately not how you are going to find out, it is when he starts withdrawing - that when the cheating has started. Perhaps the question can also be redirected to saying - what has been happening to your relationship, possibly you just became too comfortable with each other, and perhaps you concluded - this as close to marriage as it gets, and sick enough, he could be going let me be naughty before i get settled, these are all posibilities. You are ought to notice this things from time to time in a normal relationship, it just can''t happen by accident. what needs fixing, my gut feeling is - he has not cheated yet, but not for fix it or lose him. believe me it is hard finding something new and real out there. All these bitter people talking about, leave him - he cheating yada yada yada, that is loneliness talking. The problem with people these days is that no one fix, we are so ready to leave to the next person to deal with the next crab, two years later you realise, sht i was here 3 years ago,

Reply to monk
Posted by: Romany | 2011-06-30

Oh and one more thing...please do not compare me with your ex-wife.
Not one of us here know " how bad she was"  Why she was so bad? What made her so bad? etc etc

Reply to Romany
Posted by: To James | 2011-06-30

In this post a woman is expressing hetr concern about what her man is doing...not the opposite.
So, why would one discuss what a woman will do in this situation?
Also, the fact that a woman will do the same (or so you say..) does not justify the actions of this specific woman''s man here.
If you have a problem getting over whatever your ex-wife did, and you need other people''s input and advice, please feel free to post on this forum.
It is no need to take " Also confused''s"  post and use it to air your problem with your wife.

Reply to To James
Posted by: James | 2011-06-30

To Romany - please dont generalise, women are just as guilty of cheating as men and also display the same symptoms of hiding information and when confronted with evidence then will deny it even though its so blatant. SAo by that token you would be as bad as my ex wife.

To Also Confused - his actions are suspicious and I would talk ti him if I was you. Just in case there is nothing happening and he is innocent it wouldnt help with rash accusations. Confirm first then kick him if guilty.

Reply to James
Posted by: Just Saying! | 2011-06-30

one question: Why do you put up with his nonsense?
Dont you love yourself, this sounds odd, why by cakes for every girl he works with...
You have a choice here, live with it or leave him, it is not fair to you, and if he was invited for a drink with the gilr who went away why did he not invite you to go with,,

Dont put up with his crap , I think he want s his bread butter both sides

He knows you are waiting for him all the time, you need to put you foot down and fast..

Dont become miserable because of his actions, I will also doubt him If I were you..

One last question : Why if you guys are so long together is there no commitment or the next step. think about it.

Reply to Just Saying!
Posted by: Romany | 2011-06-30

Firstly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you here.
The phone is always the very first thing a man becomes posessive over when he is " guilty"  about something.
I am sorry to say but you suspision is probably 100% CORRECT.
hE is HIDING SOMETHING. HE will DENY EVERYTHING. He will make you feel guilty and that everything is your fault.
His phone will be off more and more, because his BATTERY was flat? He will GET LOST more often, to justify taking long to get to places etc.
It all starts like this.....
NEVER wil he admit anything to you unless you can physically confront him with concrete evidence. That''s men for you !

Reply to Romany

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