Posted by: Seriously Hurting | 2009-03-12

Confused New Guy

I' m gonna give you the short version: And I need your help, please be ruthless...

I met this guy, he' s amazing. Im an attractive girl myself, and him and I are very much the same.
He was really hurt by his ex and they broke up 6 months ago.
We started spending LOTS of time together but he' s said things like " Hes enjoying being single" , and "  he' s tried to feel for me but he doesn' t know why he can' t"  We have spent the whole weekend together, we laugh, we joke, he' s called me for 2.5 hours on a cell phone to cell phone call after we just saw each other!!!!!

I' ve fallen for this guy 6 LOVE! He said we should just stay friends which I agreed to and whenever I ask him to open up (cause his actions contradict themselves) he doesn' t give me an inch! Im the 2nd person he' s slept with, the first time was drunken sex and the second was intensely intimate (and sober) He said we should just be friends which I agree apon but then the follow happens:

He invites me to dinner (saying via email asking if I would " care to spend some time with him"  with friends and asks me to come help him shop for ingredients - I get to the shop and he picks me up and nuzzles my neck.

He moves his chair closer to mine at the dinner table, tells our friends that if relationships are 50/50 then he' s impressed by my 50% (which I disagreed its a 100/100) He got upset when I said I was going home (after our friends left) and he said " already?" , then he tells me that his friends all think he' s stupid for not hooking up with me, and that he cares about my feelings and wont do anything to jeopardise him / me. He then gets down on his knees and kisses me as I lay sleeping on the couch. We take this to the couch where he kisses my neck and spoons me for an hour before (wait for this) INVITING ME TO STAY OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stay over - we have sex (the sober 2nd time) and when i leave he sms' s me immediately saying " have a good day, drive safe :)" 

Im like, well I guess the ' friendship'  thing didnt really work out, but this feels cool..... He then tells his cousin via chat, that he' s (OMG this hurt) " waiting for the right girl to come along and that we' re just friends" 

Anyone, anywhere, please HELP ME!!!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ruthless ? OK, not a single drop of ruth.
"Im an attractive girl myself, and him and I are very much the same." He's also an attractive girl ?
Sounds complex, and I'm outta my depth --- but I'm sure other readers will have much to say, and what they say so far makes a whole lotta sense

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: T-Shirt | 2009-03-13

Hi there,

Oh, it is so confusing and frustrating... I know because I was in exactly the same boat as you. Uuurgh, I feel sick just by thinking back what I went through. I agree with the other readers, BUT it all worked out in the end for me, so the case is not totally hopeless (we are happily together now for a very long time). Let me tell you this...he does like you, but he doesn' t want to admit the fact even to himself (what about his cousin / friends). I think it because he was so badly hurt. It is a defense mechanism - it sounds ridiculous, but please remember that people deal with hurt in very different ways. I couldn' t understand this. He might be over her and not hurting anymore, but the fact that he was hurt recently plays a role. He is scared, that is all.

Be patient, but also don' t put your life on hold.

Good luck!!!!!!!!

Reply to T-Shirt
Posted by: Lady | 2009-03-13

even worse - he' ll ask you to meet his girlfriend!

Reply to Lady
Posted by: lala | 2009-03-13


You will loose your self esteem and all, so leave. If you are attractive, then there' s plenty of where that came from. Just dont stay there, because the hurt you are feeling now is nothing compared to the nightmare you will experience when out of the blue he tells you that he has met someone else.

Let him find other ways of making himself feel better, and not use you as his puppet!!

Reply to lala
Posted by: dw | 2009-03-13

Stop having sex with him!!!

Reply to dw
Posted by: Lady | 2009-03-13

He doesn' t want to commit and he is taking you for a ride. You' ve got the goods, but you are not a complete package - sorry doll.

Reply to Lady
Posted by: Toffee | 2009-03-13

Hi Toffee ! Oh maybe you have not heard the saying, that if you give yourself up for a toffee, you will get chewed ! Sorry but that' s a fact. If you are attractive why waste you time and honour on a self centered creep like this ? Personally, I would have kept an arms length from him. You were just another conquest for him. Do you really believe you were the 2nd person he has slept with ?? Come on, were you born under a turkey ?? I think you are very gullable and niaeve. If you carry on like this you will continue to get used and abused by creeps like this. Dump him and look for a real man. I am sure if you put your mind to it you will recognise him when he comes along.

Reply to Toffee
Posted by: katy | 2009-03-12

Seriously hurting...

Best you get out there now before you gonna hurt even more!

He likes teh fact that you liek hom a whole lot more than he does you.. It makes it easy for him to have you as afriend and it' s also easy for him to cross that line whenever he wants, you will always be willing!

He will find someone else and you will be left wondering what the hell were you hanging around for. (I have a friend that was liek this guy, he had a girl " friend"  like you are to this guy, and when he met another young woman, he tossed the " friend"  aside and focused on his girlfriend... That girl was just helping him while away the time although she always hoped he' d see how great they are together.. he never saw it that way! (don' t be TAHT girl... you should THE girl!)

It' s his loss, but better deal with your hurt now than when you invested too much of yourself!


Reply to katy
Posted by: Liza | 2009-03-12

I agree with Anon. Seems he wants to be friends with benefits. The chances of him hurting you are very high. You have so much to offer someone - why not find someone who actually appreciates it?

Reply to Liza
Posted by: anon | 2009-03-12

your " friend" is stringing you along. he wants to keep his options open, for incase he meets someone else, he can dump you without having to feeel guilty about it. I bet he would not be very happy fpr you if you started seeing some one else. the red lights are flashing, it' s up to you to choose to ignore them. am talking from experiece. I fell head over heels in love with a guy some three years back or so, i thought he was all I could ever ask for in a man. intelligent, goodlooking, good job, attentive, and could cook a killer meal. He used to travel more than 600km just to come visit me in the town I was turned out he just wanted to be ' friends"  but friends with benefits - if you know what I mean. He only told me this about 4mnts in to the relationshiop, when he told me" his girlfriend"  was pregnant. I had to break it up because i realise it was just gonna destroy me in the end...and guess turned out " the girlfriend" ' s baby...was not his...he can' t have kids...that gave the sweetest revenge ever. sorry for going on...and on...but your guy needs to straight with you.

Reply to anon
Posted by: P | 2009-03-12

Obviously is is enjoying your attention, but does not feel the way you do.

So either get used to being used or get out.

Reply to P

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