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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/10/03

Confused

I''m currently dating a man who has been seperated from his wife for a year and is on the verge of formalising his divorce. They have two kids. I am a divorcee but have no kids. I feel that this dynamic is very hard because he still pays for the ex''s medical aid and goes to the house to see the kids twice a week. He assures me that there are no feelings towards the ex and that he does everything for his kids but I have fears and cannot understand why he feels that he needs to have this " hero type syndrome"  towards the ex. Is my thinking warped on this issue? Thanks so much.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Let him competely finish the divorce, both legally and emotionally, otherwise he won't be ready for committing himself properly to a new relationship. Maybe seeing a couples counsellor together might help to get things into perspective. I think its worth distinguishing two importantly different things. Its good, praiseworthy and desirable that a separated / divorced mann remains loyal to his children, and cares for them, sees them, and provides for them. Its not good, especially if he wants to get into another relationship, if he remains committed to his Ex-wife, and remains involved with her - beyond that degree of contact necessary to o care for the children.
Whether he needs to may for medical aid for his ex is debatable, but to include the children on his medical aid is wise. That's sensible, not heroic.
If she chooses to manipulate the situation by using the children to keep getting him back to deal with small problems she should deal with herself, that's bad, and should be discouraged by him.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Miriam | 2012/10/14

You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear. She placed the shell to her ear and sceremad. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!

Reply to Miriam
Posted by: ??? | 2012/10/03

you are his rebound, make decisions that is best for you. I think , that they are not there where they have cut ties and only have discussion about the children, be carefull and look after you own heart, there is no time limit on love, wait a while and if you still feel the same purseu it but only after the divorce.

Reply to ???
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/03

Let him competely finish the divorce, both legally and emotionally, otherwise he won't be ready for committing himself properly to a new relationship. Maybe seeing a couples counsellor together might help to get things into perspective. I think its worth distinguishing two importantly different things. Its good, praiseworthy and desirable that a separated / divorced mann remains loyal to his children, and cares for them, sees them, and provides for them. Its not good, especially if he wants to get into another relationship, if he remains committed to his Ex-wife, and remains involved with her - beyond that degree of contact necessary to o care for the children.
Whether he needs to may for medical aid for his ex is debatable, but to include the children on his medical aid is wise. That's sensible, not heroic.
If she chooses to manipulate the situation by using the children to keep getting him back to deal with small problems she should deal with herself, that's bad, and should be discouraged by him.

Reply to cybershrink

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