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Question
Posted by: Anonymous | 2012-08-23

Confused

Hi I am a 21 year woman who has learned a lot in the past few years.
I am in the process of making decisions that would impact my future i.e career, relationships and various other aspects of my life.
I met a guy last year and now we are eight months into our relationship, and yet here comes another guy who is quite interested in having
a relationship with me. The problem is I have a couple of unresolved questions as to where my relationship with my boyfriend is. He
is childish, insecure and not quite responsible at the age of 23. I tried to understand where he comes from and I''ve realised
he is still having everything done for him by his mom and he is studying and that would account for his behaviour. I love him a lot
I am worried what might become of his future if he doesn''t take heed of the calls of his age and stop living in cruise mode.
At the moment it''s tolerable, but in the near future I am going to get annoyed. I''m not saying he must commit or anything like that,
but he atleast needs to show effort in own life and goals. Whenever we try to discuss this he dismisses me by saying I am changing him.
On the other hand the other guy is quite serious about dating me and is more of a determined person. he asked me if we could date, but i am confused
as I believe my boyfriend deserves a chance to grow out of his fantasy life.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Imaturity can be awfully annoying in a partner - though they usually do eventually grow out of it, some take a surprisingly long time doing that ! Living with his mom isn't always as sinister as people seem to assume - if he is still a student, it may be an economical and practical solution. But more worrying would be what you so eloquently call "living in cruise mode", on autopilot, as it were. SO long as the situation is comfortable and change isn't unavoidable, some folks choose to cruise for years on end.
I don't buy the complaint that you are changing him ( and if you were capable of doing that, you'd have succeeded and would have nothing to complain about ). Telling him what career he must follow, what he must eat, etc., OK, over-controlling. Telling him you expect him to grow up, face the world, and become independent is much less prescriptive, and is what indeed his mother and father ought to be telling him, too.
Has your bf not had a good chance to grow out of his fantasy life ? Does he want to, and try to ? If not, he wont grow.
Most women expect to enjoy caring for children when those are their own eventual infantgs ; they generally don't appreciate marrying a large infant, and having to care for them from the start

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-08-23

Imaturity can be awfully annoying in a partner - though they usually do eventually grow out of it, some take a surprisingly long time doing that ! Living with his mom isn't always as sinister as people seem to assume - if he is still a student, it may be an economical and practical solution. But more worrying would be what you so eloquently call "living in cruise mode", on autopilot, as it were. SO long as the situation is comfortable and change isn't unavoidable, some folks choose to cruise for years on end.
I don't buy the complaint that you are changing him ( and if you were capable of doing that, you'd have succeeded and would have nothing to complain about ). Telling him what career he must follow, what he must eat, etc., OK, over-controlling. Telling him you expect him to grow up, face the world, and become independent is much less prescriptive, and is what indeed his mother and father ought to be telling him, too.
Has your bf not had a good chance to grow out of his fantasy life ? Does he want to, and try to ? If not, he wont grow.
Most women expect to enjoy caring for children when those are their own eventual infantgs ; they generally don't appreciate marrying a large infant, and having to care for them from the start

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