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Posted by: Confused | 2012/08/20

CONFUSED

So my hubby and i have been arguing/fighting a lot these past few weeks. He was thinking of going on a fishing trip, so i said to him i have a great idea, why dont u and i go away rather we need it. His response was oh but i was looking forward to that. My immediate thoughts were of sadness and i am not important. Evenutally during the day he said can we just plan it for another time. so i was happy with that at the time and said yes thanks. But after thinking about it and us continuing to argue deep down i was still upset. Please note he had just been on a fishing trip two weeks before and has had many this year (which i do not have a problem with). But now when we need the time the fishing is more important. So i left it at that and then on friday evening i mentioned it again (now realise i shouldn''t have) saying i cannot see how the fishing is more important. The rest of the weekend was fine and great we were having a good time. This morning he growls/shouts at me, well you better plan your weekend then cause i cancelled mine. So i am like what no dont worry about it go ahead as planned we can do it another time, i dont want to go away with this attitude. So i tried to explain to him just leave it go ahead i am okay we will do it another time. The more irritated he gets and growls again I have made my decision. Am i being unreasonable i do not want to go away (and it is only going to be for one night) if he has an attitude like that, it is not going to be fun. The whole time i will feel like he is doing it cause he has to.? To top that my son and friend were going to go with him, now they cannot go the next weekend or the weekend after that due to tests at school. So another thing for me to feel bad out. What to do, do i just go and see what happens or cancel?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ever notice how some of the most serious arguments within a relationship are often not about the most serious actual issues ? Or rather, they're about much less serious events which gain potency by reflecting the real issues that trouble us more deeply.
This argument is probably not about fishing. But whether he was thinking of going off on his own or with some mates, your suggestion while having surely its own attractions, wasn't quite what he had been picturing for some time, and maybe he also wanted to spend some time alone, for whatever reason.
OK, as you point out, he has been on many fishing trips this year alone, and was hardly running short on fish.
What would happen if you ignored this particular fishing trip, and asked instead about his BRILLIANT suggestion of planning the joint getaway for a bit later on ( emphasizing what a great idea of His this was, makes it far harder for him to back out of it ) and simply make suggestions and ask what ideas he has for that getaway, surely not too far into the future, especially now that the weather is at last improving ?
Emphasize that you were uneasy about the relative importance to him of fish versus you, but you never asked him to cancel that trip, and still hope he'll enjoy it AS WELL as the trip with you.
And if he is presently grumpy about the idea, simply say that you appreciate his generosity in thinking about this, but would much rather go away with him for a long weekend when you are both in a better mood to really enjoy it.
Dont accept the invitation to feel guilty or bad. Sounds like the children's need to postpone was the best reason for postponing the fishing, which was probably not done in regard to your concerns anyway

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/20

Ever notice how some of the most serious arguments within a relationship are often not about the most serious actual issues ? Or rather, they're about much less serious events which gain potency by reflecting the real issues that trouble us more deeply.
This argument is probably not about fishing. But whether he was thinking of going off on his own or with some mates, your suggestion while having surely its own attractions, wasn't quite what he had been picturing for some time, and maybe he also wanted to spend some time alone, for whatever reason.
OK, as you point out, he has been on many fishing trips this year alone, and was hardly running short on fish.
What would happen if you ignored this particular fishing trip, and asked instead about his BRILLIANT suggestion of planning the joint getaway for a bit later on ( emphasizing what a great idea of His this was, makes it far harder for him to back out of it ) and simply make suggestions and ask what ideas he has for that getaway, surely not too far into the future, especially now that the weather is at last improving ?
Emphasize that you were uneasy about the relative importance to him of fish versus you, but you never asked him to cancel that trip, and still hope he'll enjoy it AS WELL as the trip with you.
And if he is presently grumpy about the idea, simply say that you appreciate his generosity in thinking about this, but would much rather go away with him for a long weekend when you are both in a better mood to really enjoy it.
Dont accept the invitation to feel guilty or bad. Sounds like the children's need to postpone was the best reason for postponing the fishing, which was probably not done in regard to your concerns anyway

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