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Question
Posted by: Worried | 2011/11/30

Confused

Hi Doc

In the last five moth my fiance and I had a fued. Generally I visit her place every weekend and she makes no means on visiting me in my place. In june there was a family ritual and she drove down to NKR, but we agreed that on friday she will come to my house and we will go together to my place in MP. On thursday I called to ascertain our agreement. She just lambasted me and said I always has a problem whenever she''s at her mom''s. She stayed two weeks without talking to me and she didn''t want me to her place. She then took the matter to my brother and his gf as she can''t say she is sorry to me, so she wanted other people to say it on her behalf.

Upon finding the truth, my brother and his gf blamed her of what she did and she hated them as well and didn''t want to do anything with them. she went to her colleagues and pianted a wrong picture about me and her friend desoiced me, but here was one friend who confronted me and told me that I abuse her friend. I was so astonished because I''ve never abused her, and that''s where the friend heard the truth about where it all began. they also blamed her and she hated them as well. But there is one particular friend she can''t neglect or hate, the one that she wants me to act like her friend''s husband. Everything I di is compared to her friend''s husband.

Now I''m due to pay lobola next month. In our tradition the bride''s family and the bride herself has no say to what I''ll be doing or the arrangemnts about the lobola paying. Therefore I arranged with brother''s gf to brew sorghum beer for those who will be attending, and I alerted my fiance about that. she was so furious about that and threatend to end the relationship with me, telling me that she''s not desperate for marriage. I know she loves me and I love her too and she wants this marriage.

Now I''m confused and have mixed feelings about the way she handles things. If she hates someone, she expects to hate them too. It''s not possible for me to hate my brother for her wrong doing, and either his gf they have done me nothing wrong. the constsnt question I have, is this the life I''m going to live for the rest of my life with a person who doesn''t want to admit that she is wrong? Please advise.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

She sounds really immature and selfish and bad-mannered. And after over-reacting to a simple request from you, she had to even ask other people to apologise for her ? Sounds like she's not prepared to take any responsibility for her own choices and behaviours. That's a really bad sign for any future happiness in a relationship with her.
I would really suggest you think VERY carefully about starting the lobola process with such a childish and self-centred girl. I hear far too much about hatred from her, and far too litle about genuine love.
Is this really a girl ( it would be hard to describe her as a woman ) you'd be happy to spend your life with ? Her behaviour isn't likely to improve after marriage, and could get even worse.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Me | 2011/12/01

?- Feud is when people disagree/quarrel. Worried - i would really think twice before continuing with the lobola if i were you, this girl''s behaviour is childish. Good luck in making the decision though.

Reply to Me
Posted by: worried | 2011/11/30

@ ?, I meant fued. Thanks doc. Those are my sentiments exactly, she''s unlikely to change her behaviour after marriage.

Reply to worried
Posted by: ? | 2011/11/30

What is a feud?

Reply to ?
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/11/30

She sounds really immature and selfish and bad-mannered. And after over-reacting to a simple request from you, she had to even ask other people to apologise for her ? Sounds like she's not prepared to take any responsibility for her own choices and behaviours. That's a really bad sign for any future happiness in a relationship with her.
I would really suggest you think VERY carefully about starting the lobola process with such a childish and self-centred girl. I hear far too much about hatred from her, and far too litle about genuine love.
Is this really a girl ( it would be hard to describe her as a woman ) you'd be happy to spend your life with ? Her behaviour isn't likely to improve after marriage, and could get even worse.

Reply to cybershrink

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