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Question
Posted by: Mom2 | 2011/09/19

Confused

Hi Doc, I think I have reached a dead end. The father of my kids and I had a fight about 6 weeks ago. It started over a small thing but ended being a big fight, almost physical, because i wouldnt let him go as he wanted to leave my house at midnight after a small argument. It was late so I told him that he cant leave that late so we ended up fighting. A few days later I realised that I was wrong for locking him in da house and apologised. But he is not willing to take my apology, I then gave him space for 3 weeks without contacting him. I went to see him last week and apologised again but he is not willing to take my apology. Does it mean it''s over between us should I just let go. We have he 2 kids together and doesnt want to even visit the kids. So i take the kids to his house if they want to see him. But I dont think I can do this anymore, I told him he is allowed to visit the kids if he wants to but he said he''s not gona go to my house again. But I can bring the kids to visit if I want. I dont know what to do anymore, the kids love him but they can sense that we are not in good terms. We have fights like any other couple and we always fight over small things but he would be discouraged to continue with our relationship. This past weekend I apologised so many times but he doesnt wana hear it and he ends up bringing up the past. Should I just forget about him or give him more space. But I am worried about the kids in this whole mess. They will end up suffering. Please assist doc!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Neither of you had your finest moment in that argument - it's so hard to stop when it's rolling along, isn't it ? It wasn't, probably, wise for you to have forced him to stay at the time, but understandable. Its childish and unhelpful, though, for him to refuse your apology and to still be sulking after 6 weeks. And to be reluctant to see the kids is simply cruel and irresponsible - they did absolutely nothing wrong, and have a right to see their dad.
But its a bit early for both of you to just give up after one really bad row.
Maybe he needs more time, but it doesn't sound as though he's usefully using the time he already has. Has he got a new place of his own, or is he staying with friends or family ? If the latter, maybe they could talk calmly with him and try to understand why he's so excessively bitter.
A solution would lie within marriage counselling, but it doesn't yet sound as though he's going to be ready to accept this.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2011/09/20

If he gets angry about an apology it means he''s feeling guilty about something. It sounds like he''s definitely moved on and is trying to justify it by not accepting your apology.

This relationship doesn''t seem to be going anywhere. Do yourself a favor and get legal advice so that he can at least pay child support. The custody agreement should also stipulate his visitation rights. It''s not your responsibility to take the kids to see him. It''s his responsibility to fetch them from you for his visits. If he doesn''t want to see his own kids, then the kids are better off not seeing him.

Don''t let this insecure, selfish, childish guy upset you any longer. You deserve better.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Mom2 | 2011/09/19

He has his own place, we are not staying together. I tried speaking to someone whom he looks up to as a parent (they are old friends), because he no longer has his parents. He spoke to him over the phone briefly and asked him to forgive me, he agreed but when I talk to him, he is not willing. He was gona arrange to talk to him face to face. This is killing me inside, I used every word in the book to apologise to him but it''s the more he gets angry! He has anger issues but he is denying it! My child(4) even noticed that he is angry and asked him why he is angry and he didnt respond.

Reply to Mom2
Posted by: Romany | 2011/09/19

The father of the children was looking for a way out of your relationship.
He made this small argument a BIG one on purpose and he made this a huge issue. He saw his opportunity to get rid of you and the kids in this sitaustion.
This is not your fault...... he has been looking for a way out and found it.
Do not worry about the kids. As long as they have their loving mommy with them, they will be gine.
Who knows, maybe in the future there is a good step daddy .
This daddy certainly do not deserve their love.
Good luck, stay strong, move on.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Mom2 | 2011/09/19

Forgot to mention that I found an sms that he sent to someone last week which reads ''Hi babe, these are my numbers. does it mean he has moved on already?

Reply to Mom2
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/19

Neither of you had your finest moment in that argument - it's so hard to stop when it's rolling along, isn't it ? It wasn't, probably, wise for you to have forced him to stay at the time, but understandable. Its childish and unhelpful, though, for him to refuse your apology and to still be sulking after 6 weeks. And to be reluctant to see the kids is simply cruel and irresponsible - they did absolutely nothing wrong, and have a right to see their dad.
But its a bit early for both of you to just give up after one really bad row.
Maybe he needs more time, but it doesn't sound as though he's usefully using the time he already has. Has he got a new place of his own, or is he staying with friends or family ? If the latter, maybe they could talk calmly with him and try to understand why he's so excessively bitter.
A solution would lie within marriage counselling, but it doesn't yet sound as though he's going to be ready to accept this.

Reply to cybershrink

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