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Question
Posted by: Worried | 2011/05/14

Confused

I''m married now for 4 years but have been together for 7 years and now separated for 2 months. We have 3 beautiful children 10 &  7 boys, and 15 months girl. The reason for our separation is based on so many unresolved past issues. I went to therapy and started to re-discover myself and in the process realised so much about myself. This lead to realising I may have made a mistake by being married. I wanted to find myself and I found it hard to do it while he was around. Throughout this separation, I''ve experienced different emotions, anger, resentment (towards him &  myself), acceptance of the situation, loving my space, realing a lot about my decisions, and through all this, I learned to see where I got it wrong. When we met we immediately had our first boy, moved in together, and he was not working. I did not have a problem with that initially but i would mention to him the importance of him working towards getting a job  until it got to a point where I couldn''t take his lazyness. At this stage, he is fighting to put his life in order and he''s also fighting to get back to me. I''m scared, I don''t trust he''ll hold on to being a provider. I think he knows how hard-working I am and to him, it''s a comforting thing that i now think it is the reason he wants me back. My problem is only now I am dealing with all that he''s given me, pain, disappointment, lack of communication and many other negative things he''s done to me, one I never want to reveal is he also hit me at some point in our marriage because he suspected i had a relationship with someone else. I''m confused, some days i want to ask him to come back home, but there''s this voice that keeps asking me if I will manage to live with his character, I''m too ambitious, I''m a go-getter and I want to archieve more than i think he wants to. He''s a bit reserved, well, to me, he doesn''t communicates with me, even the simplest things like share his day with me. He is a loving father, extremely present in our children''s life, he is a charming person and is loving  but I dont know if i need more time before i could ask him back. please assist

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I think it is someimes unwise to go into depth therapy in relation to marriage and relationship problems, purely on your own and without trying to involve your spouse. And it can be irresponsible for a therapist to encourage you to become more dissatisfied with a functioning marriage, without involving the spouse and exploring the issues broadly, rather than seeing only your personal growth as the aim of therapy, in isolation. This is alienating towards the spouse, and fails to respect their human and ethical rights.
"Wanting to find yourself" is often not a coherent aim, as you had not lost yourself. Its not fair and not sufficient to decide, in conversation with a therapist, after 7 years together and 4 years of marriage, and 3 children, that it may have been a mistake to have got married. You made committments, that remain valid even if you might evaluate them differently today. If you had bought a house 6 years ago, after living in it for 7 years, you'd still have to make payments on the bond.
You seem to be describing a situation in which you have become dissatisfied with a situation you have actively or tacitly accepted for many years.
Don't continue to sit in solitary splendour, judging him and blaming him for so much of what went wrong ( or at least didn't go as right as you wish it had ) in the marriage. See someone different from the therapist you have seen alone ( who would be unlikely at this stage to be sufficnely unbiased ) ALONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND, for joint, marriage counselling, to understand wach other better, to check out the bundle of assumptions you have made about him and the potential for this relationship so far without involving or consulting him ; and to explore to find the best outcome for both of you and the three children. You admit he is a fine and loving father, and should not lightly rake that away from them or risk doing so ; and that he is a lovin person.
More time on your own, or discussing him in his absence, won't solve the dilemmas or help you to make wise decisions about geting back together or remaining separated.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Realist | 2011/05/15

Any guy that lifts his hand to a woman, does not deserve the title " man"  He is a worm ! There is NO way that striking a woman can be tolerated, no matter the provocation. Just lose him and move on, there are real men out there my dear, no woman should EVER put up with that sh1t.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/14

I think it is someimes unwise to go into depth therapy in relation to marriage and relationship problems, purely on your own and without trying to involve your spouse. And it can be irresponsible for a therapist to encourage you to become more dissatisfied with a functioning marriage, without involving the spouse and exploring the issues broadly, rather than seeing only your personal growth as the aim of therapy, in isolation. This is alienating towards the spouse, and fails to respect their human and ethical rights.
"Wanting to find yourself" is often not a coherent aim, as you had not lost yourself. Its not fair and not sufficient to decide, in conversation with a therapist, after 7 years together and 4 years of marriage, and 3 children, that it may have been a mistake to have got married. You made committments, that remain valid even if you might evaluate them differently today. If you had bought a house 6 years ago, after living in it for 7 years, you'd still have to make payments on the bond.
You seem to be describing a situation in which you have become dissatisfied with a situation you have actively or tacitly accepted for many years.
Don't continue to sit in solitary splendour, judging him and blaming him for so much of what went wrong ( or at least didn't go as right as you wish it had ) in the marriage. See someone different from the therapist you have seen alone ( who would be unlikely at this stage to be sufficnely unbiased ) ALONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND, for joint, marriage counselling, to understand wach other better, to check out the bundle of assumptions you have made about him and the potential for this relationship so far without involving or consulting him ; and to explore to find the best outcome for both of you and the three children. You admit he is a fine and loving father, and should not lightly rake that away from them or risk doing so ; and that he is a lovin person.
More time on your own, or discussing him in his absence, won't solve the dilemmas or help you to make wise decisions about geting back together or remaining separated.

Reply to cybershrink

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