Our expert says:
I think it is someimes unwise to go into depth therapy in relation to marriage and relationship problems, purely on your own and without trying to involve your spouse. And it can be irresponsible for a therapist to encourage you to become more dissatisfied with a functioning marriage, without involving the spouse and exploring the issues broadly, rather than seeing only your personal growth as the aim of therapy, in isolation. This is alienating towards the spouse, and fails to respect their human and ethical rights.
"Wanting to find yourself" is often not a coherent aim, as you had not lost yourself. Its not fair and not sufficient to decide, in conversation with a therapist, after 7 years together and 4 years of marriage, and 3 children, that it may have been a mistake to have got married. You made committments, that remain valid even if you might evaluate them differently today. If you had bought a house 6 years ago, after living in it for 7 years, you'd still have to make payments on the bond.
You seem to be describing a situation in which you have become dissatisfied with a situation you have actively or tacitly accepted for many years.
Don't continue to sit in solitary splendour, judging him and blaming him for so much of what went wrong ( or at least didn't go as right as you wish it had ) in the marriage. See someone different from the therapist you have seen alone ( who would be unlikely at this stage to be sufficnely unbiased ) ALONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND, for joint, marriage counselling, to understand wach other better, to check out the bundle of assumptions you have made about him and the potential for this relationship so far without involving or consulting him ; and to explore to find the best outcome for both of you and the three children. You admit he is a fine and loving father, and should not lightly rake that away from them or risk doing so ; and that he is a lovin person.
More time on your own, or discussing him in his absence, won't solve the dilemmas or help you to make wise decisions about geting back together or remaining separated.
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