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Question
Posted by: SARA | 2010/10/15

CONFUSED

Dear Dr i have been married for 6 years now and its been a rocky one I feel like i am in a love hate relationship we kids who are 3 years old and he was married before and one child from his ex that does not stay with us he does see his child occasionally at first i was totally against it because he was the kind of person that bad mouths others for his mistakes I saw the bigger picture and allowed for her come over and spend time with all because she is innocent
the problem is my husband is very child and irresponsible whenever there is an emergency at home be it with the kids or house he never has money he does not even save for a rainy day when he gets paid it comes and goes on junk I dont ask for anything we split the household expenses and the expenses of the kids but example if they need to go to dr he never has money etc its always my responsibilty he takes it forgranted that i will come though for them and i always do
we fight and argue and my children are getting bid now and dont want this for them he sometimes comes home drunk and has no respect for the elderly lving with us he tries and makes money with hsi friends but i am sure its not 100% legal because they never succeed I am put off he is not the person i married
i am a honest person and work for what i have he works also but he always trying to make a buck
besdes the money and that i can not depend on him this has push me away i dont want to be with him intimately becasue there are times i think he has someone else
he used to call me names and threaten to leave me when the child was very small i begged to stay becasue i was ashamed of what people might say but as time as gone by I really dont care this has drive me to call my ex comes and sees me ocassionaly at work take me out for lunch and chat nothing happens between us but there are times when i probably will elt go my husband is selfish and only wants to do what he wants to do he lies to me about his friends dealing but i know its not right n his first marriage i was told how childish he is they split when the child was 2 and then he was in and out of her life then he sees her for a few months stays away for one year and so and so and then blamed me for that saying i kept him away when he wanted a chance to be in her life again
that is why i am holding on becacsue i dont want him to do the same thing to my children and i know he wiill because partying is more important to him but I am not happy he irritates me and always looking for people to blame his parents dont like me becasue i dont allow my children to go there without me they disrespect me by doing things with my kids that i dont allow so they sit and encourage his behavour
IS there hope for this marriage becasue i dont want my kids to grow up like this BUT I NEED TO BE happy
he has emotionally abused me over the years and have made me a monster and insercure person
i dont know what to do PLEASE HELP ME WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET MY MENTAL STATE BACK

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It's not the genuine, actual, children, his or yours, who are causing any problems here, of course - its the great big Child, your husband, who seems to reluctant to grow up and behave like an adult. Won't the children be harmed by having such a really bad example around ? What positive and good things will they be able to learn from the guy you are describing here ?
Of course you andd the children have a right to be happy, and this should not be sacrificed for his devotion to Partying.
Personal counselling, perhaps from a group like POWA which helps abused women, might help yopu to grow in self-respect and strength to make a safe move to care for yourself and the children.
Only if he would be very willing to join you in sincere couples counselling, would there be any realistic chance of things improving.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/16

It's not the genuine, actual, children, his or yours, who are causing any problems here, of course - its the great big Child, your husband, who seems to reluctant to grow up and behave like an adult. Won't the children be harmed by having such a really bad example around ? What positive and good things will they be able to learn from the guy you are describing here ?
Of course you andd the children have a right to be happy, and this should not be sacrificed for his devotion to Partying.
Personal counselling, perhaps from a group like POWA which helps abused women, might help yopu to grow in self-respect and strength to make a safe move to care for yourself and the children.
Only if he would be very willing to join you in sincere couples counselling, would there be any realistic chance of things improving.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Flower1980 | 2010/10/15

I would leave. That sound just like my marraige, with ex hubby''s drinking, he pushed me into someone els''s hand, I fell inlove. married life got more and more difficult. He sought more intersted in his drinking never bother to spend time with me or his son. I started hating him, hate sleeping with him, I could take it anymore, wished him dead, I could''nt talk to him anymore cause wehad nothing in common. I am so glad I got divorce, financially I am suffering, but I am much more happy with someone else. He does''nt even spend time with his son.So if I am you, I will get divorce.

Reply to Flower1980
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/15

Perhaps you could try couples counseling. If he isn''t willing to go, your only option will be to leave him. Go for counseling yourself - if you can''t afford private, try the numbers at the top of the webpage - they will be able to help. Counseling will help you build up your self-esteem again and will help you find out what you need to do to make yourself happy. I personally enjoy ballet (dancing myself, not just watching although I enjoy that too). I''ve even done skydiving. There is nothing that builds the self-esteem like doing a skydive, having a malfunction, doing a cutaway and opening your reserve and then landing to the applause of the spectators. That happened to me and it was the best moment of my life!

Just remember that it isn''t better for the children to stay in a bad relationship. It sets a terrible example - making them think that emotional abuse is acceptable when it definitely is not.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: lizard | 2010/10/15

I would leave if possible

Reply to lizard

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