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Question
Posted by: confused | 2010-06-14

confused

i been having something with this girl a very long time, i am really in to her(i could see m self marrying a girl like her in the future) and she says she is in to me as well.....she is 20 and i am 26 and she said the other day she needs 2 years to grow up and go on dates with other people before she can settle down with me....am i being dumb and trusting her or is it a fair thing she is asking for?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I rather enjoy eating a good pudding. And when I meet a really lovely pudding, I don't hesitate to eat it on the grounds that I haven't yet sampled all the other available puddings.
In other words, if I really like what I already have, I don't feel the urge to put it on hold while I search out all available options, scared that I might be missing out on something better.
On the other hand, perhaps it isn't wise to plunge right into marriage with the first person you like, before you are mature enough to understand what you like, need and want. And, most important of all, before you know enopugh about yourself.
Over-all, her comments suggest she is far from sure she actually will ever want to settle down with you, or that she would return to you.
I agree with Anon - let her go, and also move on yourself. If she doesn't return to you, then a closer relationship with her would never have worked out anyway.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: jj | 2010-06-14

the alternative would be to force her to either marry you or leave you?
take a step back, respect people''s wishes, although maybe remind her that you too will be playing the field and both of you have to be prepared for the fact that one or both of you won''t feel the same about each other in a few years.
Let nature run it''s course.
Enjoy your life first.
Marriage is a huge committment that not enough people take seriously nowadays.
Maybe there''s better out there for you, or her.
If you really care about her (not just romantically) you will let her go. Absence also makes the heart grow fonder...
It could go either way.
Good luck

Reply to jj
Posted by: anon | 2010-06-14

hi confused

i never quite understand why people feel they need to ''play around enough'' before they can settle with someone they are already with. all it tells me is that he/she is not sure about their partner. i wouldnt want to marry someone who feels that? just this weekend i spoke to someone who cheated on his wife 10yrs into married life because ''he didnt play around enough'' before-hand. i dont get that. but what i do understand is that people can get married too young, before they have established what are the core important things to them. morals, beliefs, standards, goals, etc.... these things can obviously change later on, but the fundamental expectations are at least strong and then it should be easier to deal with things with your partner/husband/wife.

hence, i feel that 20 is very young and whether dating 10 other men or not, there are many things to work through to know what you/she want (not only in relaitionships, more your believes convictions etc...) and some people still are nowhere close to that at 20. some people are, im generalizing, i know.

you probably should let her go if she feels like that, and if you dont end up together, at least then it is because in the end you wanted different things - very difficult to deal with when you are married.

and off course, you should go on with your life as well.

all the best!

Reply to anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-06-14

I rather enjoy eating a good pudding. And when I meet a really lovely pudding, I don't hesitate to eat it on the grounds that I haven't yet sampled all the other available puddings.
In other words, if I really like what I already have, I don't feel the urge to put it on hold while I search out all available options, scared that I might be missing out on something better.
On the other hand, perhaps it isn't wise to plunge right into marriage with the first person you like, before you are mature enough to understand what you like, need and want. And, most important of all, before you know enopugh about yourself.
Over-all, her comments suggest she is far from sure she actually will ever want to settle down with you, or that she would return to you.
I agree with Anon - let her go, and also move on yourself. If she doesn't return to you, then a closer relationship with her would never have worked out anyway.

Reply to cybershrink

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