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Question
Posted by: j | 2009-07-17

confused

i need some advice please from someone that does not know me or my partner.

I am 21 and i have a 10 month old daughter with my current partner we have been together for almost 5 years and i realtionship has really been a rollcoaster ride it was all fun and games in the begining because he was a great jol and i was young and thats all i wanted but over the years i have done alot of growing up and he has not and still jols and drinks and lies all the time and im not sure how much longer i can do this.

i had a terribly lonely pregnacy if it was not for my mother and friends i would have had a break down cos i realised what was upon us but he just carried on like he was a 18 yr old but i stuck around cos he said he would change when our daughter arrived but this has not happened. He is crazy about his daughter but will still often go out and forget he has responsibilties and all of this falls on me.

This realtionship is slowly killing me and i hate it. But i am too scared to leave because he is my comfortzone and all i am use to and we have share alot together some of the times good but the bad ones over weigh the good by far. He is a great guy but as far as a bf he really sucks. I want to know how do i let go of him. I have stayed cos its easier to put up with everything then go through the hurt of getting over him,seeing him out and seeing him with another lady and will i find another man a better man (is the grass greener on the other side?) and will the next man i find be able to accept and love my daughter cos he is the first and foremost important thing in my life and im trying to do whats right for her but im confused as to what this is?stay with her father and suck it up and hope he grows up one day or get out and try get over him???PLEASE HELP im feeling very lost and all my family and friends think im nuts to still be with him but something is stopping me from leaving him even tho he treats me like he does!!is it my comfortzone?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I may be opld and grumpy, but I think one should avoid having children while jolling, or with a joller. Some guys seem to try so very hard NOT to grow up, and indulgent friends and family often allow them to remain pretty infantile for too many years. And some of tjhese guys only start to grow up in their 40's if ever.
As a comfortzone, he doesn't really sound comfortable. It rally sounds as though you would lose far less than you would gain, if you went it alone. Relationship counselling might help IF he was willing, and IF he was mature enough to recognize how much he needs to change, but that doesn't sound too promising.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Eve | 2009-07-17

Hi there. Your situation brings back so many memories. I am actually laughing (no offence) but I just want to let you know that you will get over it. I was 17!!! and he was 19. Oh the jolling my friend will never stop. It will get worse. It is easy for others to say that you must leave him but i know my dear how difficult it is. Woman like us always want to be hit ROCK BOTTOM before we make that move to leave. I was always at home raising my boy and I lost so much weight because of stress and thought that there is no way out of this. I half accepted that this is my future. Until I healed and started to go out as I started to go to university. Met other people (men and woman) and things changed BECAUSE I HAD FAITH!! I am 29 now. I kept a journal and actually found it 3 days ago and read it again and cried cause I could not believe I got over it all. I even almost got a miscarriage on 7 months because of him. Please dont let him " vry you old" he wants you and the " leka life"  that is any mans dream hey. My friend your child is the most important remember that and I know that this type of heartache is the most difficult as there is a child involved and NO ONE will ever no how painful it is except those that experienced it too. Therefore your family and friends are right but what would they have done? They are only concerned and want the best for you but at the end YOU have to make the choice. All of the best and you WILL be a better and stronger person after this trial. God Bless!

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