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Posted by: KEEPING A BRAVE FACE | 2010/03/30

Confuse, emotional and everything else

My husband asked me for a divorce at the beginning of this year out of the blue, it was not something we were not ever discussing. We then separated for a while and have now come back together as he says he wants to try and work on our marriage. These last few months have been a huge shock for me and i am still coming to terms with it, also i do think there has been an affair although he will not admit to it. I find myself trying to put on a smile and brave face but behind closed doors i am torn up as he says he wants to move forward and put the past behind us, even though he has not said anything of what he has been up to and the reasons and i have also found out alot of the lies and secrets during that time and confronted him and he has remained silent. Now he says he wants to immigrate to canada and also start trying to have a baby, i dont want to leave and i dont want to fall pregnant until the relationship is at least somewhat stable. Please i need advice, dont know what to do......

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This must be very difficult for you. But I do believe that when a couple have identified problems within their marriage, they should work on it with the aid of a marriage counsellor, as their situation suggests they are not managing to deal with their problems successfully, on their own. YOu're right, that pregnancy would be a really bad idea unless and until the marriage is stable, and even emigrating before stability i achieved, is not wise.

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Our users say:
Posted by: KEEPING A BRAVE FACE | 2010/03/30

Thank you for the reply''s, I think i have had an idea as to what the answers are from my side and that is why there is questioning to the immigration and baby, obviously there is still love for him even though this has happened, up until this had happened we had a great marriage and didnt see any signs. Yes that " thing"  is still there for me and it is an issue that is unresolved and i would love to hear the truth come from him and start to come to terms with it and deal with it, and to get him to go to councelling is like pulling teeth, he just doesnt want to go. I on the other hand have been receiving councilling for some time and they basically say the same thing i dont feel like im getting anywhere. The other issue also is that the depression is getting worse and i cannot even go to doctors to get medication, i have been in and out of doctors offices that the medical aid is just not paying anymore........

Reply to KEEPING A BRAVE FACE
Posted by: MAN | 2010/03/30

Agree with Lin. He has no right to treat you like this. A relationship is a 50/50 partnership and there cannot be secrets. Baby no. Immigration also a big no. What if you are over there with no support system and he drops you?

Reply to MAN
Posted by: Lin | 2010/03/30

Don''t have a baby until the relationship is VERY stable.
Try and convince your hubby to go for couples counselling. Askig for a divorce doesn''t just come out of the blue - something must''ve made him ask for it - and that problem didn''t just disappear into thin air, it is still there and needs to be worked on.
Try and take it easy and think clearly.

Reply to Lin
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/03/30

This must be very difficult for you. But I do believe that when a couple have identified problems within their marriage, they should work on it with the aid of a marriage counsellor, as their situation suggests they are not managing to deal with their problems successfully, on their own. YOu're right, that pregnancy would be a really bad idea unless and until the marriage is stable, and even emigrating before stability i achieved, is not wise.

Reply to cybershrink

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