Posted by: Judy | 2012-11-29

Concern over friend''s mom - my business?

My mom has a close friend. Both 70. My mom''s friend is a wonderful, caring person. She lives in a rented home next to her daughter who has been divorced 3x. She has 3 kids oldest 14. This girl has time to date and see men, has a good body and loves to soak up the sun. Her father is not well and her parents are struggling with their medical bills - both pensioners. The mom of 70 looks after the grand-kids after school, feeds ALL of them out of her money, does huge piles of washing, folding and iron as well as carrying it up and down to the washing line. The kids are as lazy as the daughter. The daughter is 45 and although she is a qualified beautician she gave that up and now has a commission only job. Her one ex gives her support. She is supposed to pay her mom for the chores she does but this has not happened in months. We heard she bought a really expensive handbag over R2000 but then pleaded poverty. It irks everyone (all of Natasha''s friends that are her age) and many have spoken to her but she is very soft hearted and does not like conflict. Also her husband has medical issues and most days works at getting better. I feel like storming over there and telling her about parental abuse. I have a mom the same age and I fight with my mom all the time to NOT do things. I feel this woman could get a cleaning service and leave her parents alone. How does one sort this out? Natasha is not going to admit to abuse or confront her daughter. This week she is ill and she has lost loads of weight. How does one go about saying something or what to do?m My mom has spoken to her but she is protective of her daughter. Today she told my mom that she could not do the piles of washing and cooking she just felt ill, but the chances are she has done it. We are actually concerned for her life! It is made worse because my mom lives with us and I dote on her so the comparison is now highlighted. My mom on the other hand would not allow me to walk all over her. I know Natasha can see it is all wrong but she is so loyal to her daughter and I think is hoping for the daughter she will never have. I think those marriages went belly up because she is lazy in her home and with her kids. She is hunting for a husband as I said and is constantly dating from Facebook. The last guy told her he lives too far away - Like as in Stellenbosch and Durbanville - he simply did not want to take on her kids and her lifestyle which he must have figured out. What to do?

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Our expert says:
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Its a sad fact of life that as one grows older, good friends die, and it becomes harder to make new ones, for various reasons. Her friend's daughter sounds like an immature and deeply selfish creature, sponging off her parents and apparently uninteretsed in genuinely helping them or even her own children. Why is this girl not even paying to feed her own children - too mean or too greedy to spend whatever she can just on herself ?
She should surely at least not only get the best paying job she can, but also should go to Maintenance Court and get proper maintenance paid for the kids expenses by her various ex's.
This girl is as hard-hearted as they come, and not at all tender hearted. Like all sociopaths, she may care deeply about her own feelings, but not, apparently, about those of anyone else.
The problem is that it is NOT your problem. You have apparently tried, as any good friend would, to persuade the mom ( I'm guessing that's Natasha ? ) to stop babying her awful daughter, but if she chooses to continue to be exploited she's entitled to do so.
I hope she is being pressed into at least getting proper medical attention for whatever her current ailment is, and that her doctor might be clued up as to what is happening, and could strongly advise her to stop all this hard work for her lazy daughter. But none of us change habits easily, even really bad habits like spoling a rotten aging child.

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