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Question
Posted by: Flower 1980 | 2010-11-03

Commitment phobia

How do you cure someone from commitment phobia? I have a 40 year old boyfriend, I am 30 divorce, he has never been married before and I have a 7 year old son. We broke up on saturday due to a silly argument and he pack up all my stuff. I love this man so much, I actually had an anxiety attack this morning, due to the fact that I can t deal with this break up. I beggeg him to take me back, I have made so many changes within myself for him and he acknowledge it but he is not willin to fight for us. He has no friends, family lives far away, he is a loner, and says that he is used to standing on his own 2 feet. Yet he also says he is scared of being alone, he gets depressed when he works to much, and there is no one is his life. I don''t understand last week he said this is perferct I stabilise his life, and it''s good doing stuff with someone. Now he says his life is less complicated, but yet it s also not nice being alone, he hates it. My friends says I must give him space, because he got use to something so let him feel what its like being alone again. How can someon be satify being alone. I kept sending sms begging but no reply. Must I give him space, will he come back to me. I get the feeling that he is inlove with me afraid to admit it, maybe to proud. Yesterday he said he is stressing now already about being alone December holidays, but why not rekindle our relationship then. Is he afraid I will hurt him more If i leave him, what must I do. I really love this man so very much, should I just let him go his way, cause his ademint by not making up with me:-((

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hard to cure a committment phobic, as cure would need them to at least start by committing to therapy ! And begging is not only undignified, and shows too little respect for yourself by yourself, but is the sort of neediness likely to frighten a committment phobic even further away.
It sounds as though your friend is confused and has many issues he needs to sort out with the help of a counsellor, before he could settle into a lasting relationship.
Some people are indeed very happy on their own and with no close or enduring relationship.
You may have to give him space, even if he might not come back to you - if he doesn't come back, he was never yours anyway.
The significant problems are on his side, and he needs to sort them out for himself, as well as possibly for your sake. But all the begging and SMS will push him further away.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Unique | 2010-11-03

Let him go. Stop begging, stop hoping he will come back. Just move on with your life. He has issues of his own. Give him space to sort them out. IF he comes back because he has decided to not because you begged, and having resolved his issues you are more likely to a more stable person. Currently it doesn''t seem to know what he want. I''d say move on with your life.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: Maria | 2010-11-03

Flower I think you need to back off a bit. You changed yourself for this guy, not necessarily a healthy thing to do, and now you are begging him to take you back. You come across as desperate and he might find that really scary. I think if you can be more independent then he might find the relationship less intimidating?

I read this somewhere: " If you love someone, let him go. If he come back then he is yours. If he doesn''t then he never was." 

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-11-03

Hard to cure a committment phobic, as cure would need them to at least start by committing to therapy ! And begging is not only undignified, and shows too little respect for yourself by yourself, but is the sort of neediness likely to frighten a committment phobic even further away.
It sounds as though your friend is confused and has many issues he needs to sort out with the help of a counsellor, before he could settle into a lasting relationship.
Some people are indeed very happy on their own and with no close or enduring relationship.
You may have to give him space, even if he might not come back to you - if he doesn't come back, he was never yours anyway.
The significant problems are on his side, and he needs to sort them out for himself, as well as possibly for your sake. But all the begging and SMS will push him further away.

Reply to cybershrink

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