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Question
Posted by: Sarah | 2012/01/23

Commitment issues

Do men generally battle with commitment?.I am in a four and a half year relationship and my bf is very happy with the fact that I stay in my house and he has his house. I need more I have brought it up and he thinks things are great and are working well so why spoil it. We see each other most nights but often I am the one going to his house. Over the weekends I am the one packing my bags and sleeping there so everything is perfect for him. He lives for the good times - live for the moment thats what he keeps on telling me!

There are kids involved and that was one of the excuses but thats basically sorted out now. He thinks that I will move in and if there are things wrong he wont have anywhere to go to as I am now in his home. He says he will feel trapped. This discussion has been going on for a year now on and off and I am now beginning to think he is always going to find an excuse.

Is it a bad thing to set a date? That if this is not what he wants by such a such time I must then move on - I just dont think he is being fair, surely after so long he knows whether he could live/marry me? Is it even right to get to the stage that you need to set a date? His divorce wasnt the easiest because he lost control (financially it set him back) were mine was worse emotionally but I am wanting/ready to move on. I feel you cant always use that as an excuse either.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Actually, its not usually useful to over-generalise about MEN or WOMEN, as we all differ individually. Overall, many people, male and female, have some difficulty in committing to a long-term relationship - maybe this is a bit more common in men, buy many men complain that the woman in their life won't commit.
What you describe isn't purely about committment. When one person is entirely content with the relationship as it is, they would be understandably reluctant to change it.
I'm not clear at all about what you mean about how "kids were involved", but now that's "basically sorted out".
OK, if he had a gruesome divorce, he will likely be reluctant to take any chances again, and the present arangement may feel safe and satisfying for him. Control may be understandably a major issue for him, and he may feel you want him to move into a situation of less control for him.
Why not see a couples counsellor together to work out whether a satisfactory solution can or cannot be found ?

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Sarah | 2012/01/23

You are right about the sex part - if we have our problems and I stay away for a few days he gets upset about that. I know what I should do but when you love someone its really really hard to do it. Plus I try and focus on his good points but at the moment this whole moving forward story over shadows everything.

Reply to Sarah
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/01/23

After 4 years plus this man is NOT going to marry you.

You have given it to him on a plate. Heck, he does not even have 2 travel for sex - you go to him!

Stop calling and visiting and l can guarantee he will not contact you to set a date for the wedding but will only request sex.........

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/01/23

Actually, its not usually useful to over-generalise about MEN or WOMEN, as we all differ individually. Overall, many people, male and female, have some difficulty in committing to a long-term relationship - maybe this is a bit more common in men, buy many men complain that the woman in their life won't commit.
What you describe isn't purely about committment. When one person is entirely content with the relationship as it is, they would be understandably reluctant to change it.
I'm not clear at all about what you mean about how "kids were involved", but now that's "basically sorted out".
OK, if he had a gruesome divorce, he will likely be reluctant to take any chances again, and the present arangement may feel safe and satisfying for him. Control may be understandably a major issue for him, and he may feel you want him to move into a situation of less control for him.
Why not see a couples counsellor together to work out whether a satisfactory solution can or cannot be found ?

Reply to cybershrink

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