Posted by: Vern | 2009-07-15

Commitment issues


I had been dating a girl for 6 years, most of which we had been living together. We had a nice house, which we started together with dogs etc. Last year the last of my siblings got married, me being the eldest. Everybody started telling us that now it'  s our turn. I'  ve known for a long time I wanted to marry her but then I got scared. I was then and am still now very much in love with her. Anyway, I just told her one day after my brothers wedding that I don'  t think I'  ll ever marry and that I think it'  s best that we split up so she won'  t get hurt and I don'  t just string her along. It broke my heart telling her that. I had been thinking about it for over a month and she knew something was up so she asked me one night if I still wanted to be with her and without thinking anymore I just told her no. This was 11 months ago. since then I made every effert to take her out to movies, dinner etc anything to see her. I still loved her and so many times almost forgot we wern'  t together anymore but I was just to stubborn to admit my mistake. I finnally got my head straight just over a month ago but she got hurt real bad when I broke up with her and is very confussed. my question is: why would I do something dumb like that? How can I just hurt someone I love so much? I know now that I will do anything to marry her, if she will just give me another chance.


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Our expert says:
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As you already live together, apparently in a settled and comfortable way, what aspect of Marriage as such, makes you feel scared ? This would be worth exploring with a practical, CBT-style therapist, as it could probably be sorted out, if you so wished.
Breaking up after 6 years hardly avoided 'stringing her along", nor did it avoid hurting her, or yourself. Now thatb you're apparently regretting the dsciion you made then, it's hardly a wonder that she feels confused. Maybe after a few sessions to sort out yyour marriage-fears, some joint couples counselling sessions might help to clarify between the pair of you, who wants what and how to achieve this. And maybe send her a letter outlining the situation just as you have done in this message here. And have the grace to allow her to refuse, i hat is what she now wants

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Our users say:
Posted by: Vern | 2009-07-20

Thank you.

I do love her very much and regret what I' ve done and will never be able to forgive myself for that. I know now that she is the girl I was supposed to marry and will do it in a heartbeat. I don' t care about finding anyone else again, no one will be able to replace her. I' ll just have to wait.

I will be going to see a professional to talk to and hopefully I' ll be able to help myself.

Reply to Vern
Posted by: Lena | 2009-07-16

My worry is that if you did something out of the blue, just like that, what is the guarantee you won’ t do it again? If somewhere inside u have issues with marriage, they will resurface.
I think u have every right to try and be with her again but try and understand it from her perspective. Six yrs with a guy, who in fact all along had no intention of making u his wife. Imagine working at a place for six years, meanwhile all along the boss is thinking ‘ I will never give that guy a promotion.’  –  and only told you after your six years of hard work.
She may refuse to take u back and put herself in line for possibly another terrible heartbreak. She has the right to refuse after what she went thru.
If she takes you back, accept that the dynamic has changed forever. I think she will be jittery and nervous. The trust and security will not be the same. There is a lot of rebuilding to do so make sure you are willing to do it.
If you are not willing to put 200% into the relationship this time round – and marry her –  do not ask her back. Ask her back because it will be good for her, this isn’ t about you right now. Do not ask her back out of loneliness. Ask her back because you really believe she is the best thing that ever happened to you and you are willing to show her just how much you care.

I had a child with someone who walked out the day I got pregnant. Five years later he asked me back, saying he doesn' t know what came over him and I am the only woman he wants.

I still love him but cannot go back. Some injuries are so deep, they make you want to protect yourself from a particular person forever. Do not hold it against your ex if she says no.

Reply to Lena

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