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Question
Posted by: Afraid | 2008-12-10

Commitment issues

Dear Cyberdoc,
Thank you for this forum and all the advice you give.

I am 27 years old, have never been in a relationship until about 2 months ago. I met ' n guy and we have been chatting, then we met face to face and now we are still ' in a relationship' . He was divorced last year and has 2 daughters, 9 and 6 years old. He rents a house and his mother lives with him, the daughters with their mother.

The problem I am having is that I want to be with him, but I am scared to commit because I am afraid he is not the guy for me. I know things must be taken slowly, but I am scared to open my heart and let him in because I don' t want to get hurt. The other issue is the fact that I feel that I will never be his no. 1, because of the ex-wife and the children.
I don' t have experience in relationships and I don' t know how to get rid of this feeling.
After the face to face meeting, we chatted and then each one went back to their own house...about 2 weeks later he confessed to me that he took down my number plate of my car and he got my home address (he works in the police). I felt betrayed and I cannot forget what he did, his excuse is that he wanted to surprise me with flowers, but I don' t see it that way. I feel safe at home and now that he has my address, I am even more scared of moving forward. It frightens me that someone would do something like this, he says he cares about me?? I am scared to meet him again, because what would he take down this time to use it to ' investigate'  my personal life. I feel that he should have respected my privacy and waited until the relationship was at the right point to give out my address...am I wrong?

The other issue is that he is renting a house, I feel that I won' t have the security I need if we should get more serious to the point of marriage, his mother lives with him which makes me feel that I would be critised all the time and she would interfere in our relationship.

He would be with his ex-wife and children whenever there is a school-funtion, sports event...anything relating to the kids and I don' t know how to handle all this.

I really do care about him and want to be with him, get to know him better, but I don' t know what to do. I don' t have parents'  guidance, I don' t have siblings to explain to me how relationships should progress.

Guess I am old-school then, but I don' t want to make a mistake or do something I' d regret later and I don' t want him to waste his time on me, when he could have had a women his own age and had a great life.

Oh, by the way...he is 38 years old.

Any advice would be appreciated.


Thank You
Afraid

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Be cautious. If this is your first relationship of significance, you are not experienced in such matters. YOu have only known him a short while. Don't rush into things and get out of your depth. Sounds like you may have some problems with low self-esteem. His ex-wife is hi s Ex, presumably, for some good reasons, or she would be his wife right now. Obviously he needs to be in contact with her about the children, but that need not jeopardize your relationship.
I'd be woried about someone who works in the police and abuses his position there to check out your home address --- why couldn't he have just asked you ? The flowers are an unconvincing excuse --- he could have brought them to wherever you next met. You're right, he did abuse your right to privacy.
He rents a house --- you don't know the financial aspects of the divorce, maybe that's part of the explanation. But yes, it offers you less security in the long-term, and living with his mother could be a problem. Or maybe not. You seemt o be concentrating on long-term aspects before you actually know him properly or whether you would want to continue with the relationship.
Take your time. Tell him that you feel uneasy about the sneaky way he found out your address, and that you expect him to understand that this would trouble any sensible woman. Either end the relationship now if you don't really want to explore further, or take your time, meet in neutral places, and get to know him a bit more. You have some good reasons to be cautious

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: No | 2008-12-10

Dont continue with this relationship, the man has too much baggage, the devorce, kids,living with mama,age gap, worse he investigate ur private information behind ur back ...U too young to be putting urselft through all of this..Please wait ur man will come ur way cos believe me this is not him..

Reply to No
Posted by: Afraid | 2008-12-10

Thank You everyone for telling me what I already knew in my head...it is sad, but it is for the best!

Reply to Afraid
Posted by: JB | 2008-12-10

He is too old for you in the first place, and he has lots and lots of baggage. Find someone your own age and someone you can have your own kids with. Raising other peoples kids even if you love them is not easy.

Reply to JB
Posted by: GP | 2008-12-10

I always say it takes two to make or break a marriage. He is divorced for a reason. Becareful of divorced men (and woman for that matter). I would not trust him.....

Reply to GP
Posted by: tooks | 2008-12-10

Its quite obvious - listen to your head. A man that gets your personal details behind your back is no good...no excuses! The alarm bells are obviously going off in your head so listen to them. Dont take this relationship any further

Reply to tooks
Posted by: Vixen | 2008-12-10

Hey,
I totally agree with babe, follow your head, I have been in numerous relationships, the only one that has lasted, and been worth while, is the one where I forgot about my heart, and my raging hormones, and decided to do the sensible thing.

The age issue is also a problem, from about age 44 men start acting like they are 100. Stick to guys that are either younger, your age, or less then 6 years older then you.

The fact that he took down your license plate speaks volumes, he sounds like the stalker type, and cops are especially know for violence against there families.

Please be carefull, rather wait for a decent guy, this guy sounds terrible, what kind of a man still lives with his mom at age 38!!!!! You must also remember that he has been married before, and you are right, you will never be number one, his kids will always come first, no matter how much he loves you.

Just be carefull!!!!

Reply to Vixen
Posted by: Babe | 2008-12-10

Well from reading your post it is obvious your mind is telling u no but your heatr is saying yes. We as woman, normally think with our hearts and often tend to react or make decisions on what we feel and that is why we normally end up getting hurt.

Follow your head ....

Reply to Babe

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