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Question
Posted by: Apache_boy | 2008/07/07

coming out

Hey guys,

Over the past two / three weeks i have been slowly coming out to my parents, but then yesterday my mother started complaining and saying that she will kill me if i am gay... why cant they just accept me for who and what i am and love me unconditionally?

Hugs n love
Apache_b0y

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi again Apache_boy and thanks for this post.

Sadly, your mother's comment is very distancing but its does indicate that, in some way, she's interfacing with the idea that you are gay. Her comment could display denial, bargaining or anger on her part. In spite of such hurtful comments you need to hang in there and not back off from claiming your right to be a unique individual, irrespective of your parents' reactions.

On another level, it may be opportune for you to finally come out to your mother - she may be confused by the signals you're sending out (over two or three weeks). Simply sitting her down and telling her may be easier for her to deal with, instead of expecting her to interpret your messages. Once you've told her she may find it easier to process the facts and she could be less inclined to denial and bargaining.

And hugs to you too. Please keep posting.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/07/07

Remember that a parent has a certain "dream" and hopes for their children, and when a child comes out, those dreams are shattered. Acceptance does not come instantly, and like everything else, it will take some time for them to get used to the idea. She probably knows but she does not want to hear you say it. Her reaction is out of shock, and I am sure that it has nothing to do with her love for you. Perhaps you must not push the issue too much for now. You have planted the first seed, now let it simmer for a while. But like Deeve said, don't go pretend you are straight all of a sudden, but do not rub it in their faces too. You need to sit her down after a while, and explain to her what you are feeling and help her understand that you have not changed at all, it is just that they know you better now. See if you can get your hands on some informative literature that they can read after that that can help them understand what it is all about too. Never just use their love for you to "blackmail" them, i.e. saying things like "If you don't accept me it means you do not love me". Remember that they also need to go through a whole emotional process to get to where you are, so give them time, as much as they need. It was very difficult for my parents for a long time. Today they are totally fine with it.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2008/07/07

Very good advice from Deeve. Sometimes I wonder about the necessity of the whole “coming-out” thing. Do straight people come out – NO ! Your parents know anyway, they are not stupid. If they do not approve or like it, why push it. As Deeve said, they will not change and it is their problem.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/07/07

Hi A-b,
Sadly, your Mother is going to kill herself first, with that attitude! Nothings ever going to change the way things are, so best you just 'get on' with life. Don't go telling them anything anymore, but don't hide anything either. Your Parents are the ones with the problem, not you. Just remember one thing....one day when they're pushing up the daisies, will there be anything left for you if you've followed their wishes, and are now way past your 'sell by date'? Nah...just live your life, and maybe one day, they'll wake up and decide to talk to you about things. Just make sure that you're not dependant on them financially, as many a fellow has been turned away at their darkest hour...it does happen. 'I am what I am....' says it all. Take care....and big Hugz....D

Reply to Deeve

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