Our expert says:
This is a common complaint but can be distressing and cause anxiety and then avoidance of sex because of fear of failure. It might be that because you are not staying together, when you do have intercourse your fiance finds it difficult to delay orgasm and feels pressure to perform. It is important that you communicate to him that you do not feel that he is a failure and that eventhough he has ejaculated there are still ways that he can stimulate you to climax and reach satisfaction. It is important to know that two minutes is about the average time a man takes to ejaculate once vaginal penetration has occurred. Due to the differences between men and women, many men choose to learn to delay their orgasm in order to try to give more penetrative pleasure to female partners. It may be necessary for him to learn again to delay his ejaculation?
The best way to learn this would be through exercises where he uses masturbation and learns to recognise the physical signs of excitement (e.g. heightening sensation, a sensation in your testicles, heart rate) and at which point he needs to ease off before it's too late (i.e. when the 'twitching' begins, it's probably too late). One way to help with this would be for him to try scoring his excitement on a scale of 0-10, with 8 being the point at which there's no turning back. When he gets to about 5 or 6/10 you need to start using delaying strategies. For example: slowing or changing the rhythm of the friction, trying to take some deep and slow breaths, and try tensing pelvic floor muscles as if he is trying to stop the flow of urine. Once his arousal has reduced somewhat (e.g. to about 3 or 4/10), he can resume stimulation and repeat this process several times before allowing ejaculation to take place.
A trusted partner could be a great help by coaching him through this. He stimulates himself for the first few practice rounds (i.e. over days or weeks) and then once he has had some success, perhaps you could stimulate your partner, but you must slow down as and when he says to do so. Once he's gained confidence like this, he could move onto trying this intravaginally. This is likely to be much more difficult because of the sensations (warmth, moist) of the vagina. The best position to learn this would be with you on top so that he can focus all of his attention on his sensations.
It's really important that these are 'exercises' though, and not 'sexual acts' as normal, otherwise he will feel more pressure to perform.
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