Combined families

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Posted by: B | 2012/04/10

Q. Combined families

My 5 year old son lives with me and my fiancee full time.
My sons father and i have been separated for 4 years. His father is extremely unreliable and sees him very irregularly. We had a good thing going last year (for the first time in 3 years!!!) where he had him every friday night til sat afternoon, which then progressed to him sleeping there every second weekend. The maintenance payments were also on time. He then flipped out completely out of the blue and since then he sees him every couple weeks for one or two hours.

My fiancee has a 6 year old daughter who he sees every second weekend as clockwork. the ex has quite a strong personality and so very seldom will she allow any change to the routine on when he sees his daughter. He also has her over holidays, and for special occasions he takes her.

he is a good man, soft and gentle and funny and affectionate and loving.

The trouble is we are experiencing HUGE personality clashes with the children, and also me and the fiancee have differing opinions on discipline. A lot of the time when his daughter is there, is spent reprimanding her, there is absolute chaos as she is constantly wanting attention, and my son often gets a raw deal when she comes, because of how she treats him. (spiteful and nasty towards him/competing for what he has/telling stories or lies/sulking or crying/very disruptive/doesnt listen or follow instructions)

I know that the reason behind all this, is she is craving attention on a subconscious level, as she see my son as having her daddy all the time (whereas she only sees him every second week). I say it is subconscious as she is only 6 and cant verbalise that, but it comes out in her behaviour. She has a very dominant personality as well compared to my son, who is much more soft spoken and sensitive.

it is causing trouble between me and my fiancee. I know ti cant be nice for someone to be moaning about your child all the time, and I acknowledge he has to put up with my son 24/7 without much fuss or clashes in personality/

We desperately need practical advice on how to fix this.
I have suggested when she comes she gets one full day to spend with daddy alone (and my son with me) doing what she wants to do (and doesnt have to share with my son or me).
We also are going to be moving to a bigger house soon, where they will each have their own spaces to retreat to to give each other some space.
I also think we need to come to an agreement on who and how discipline will take place.

other than that.. i am lost! I am so worried it will affect our relationship.

user comments

Posted by: jo | 2012/04/12

I bet his daughter only does this when he is around?

I personally went through the same thing, i ended the relationship because there was no fairness at all. Best thing i ever did.

Reply to jo

Posted by: just saying! | 2012/04/11

I have a combined familiy and sometimes I feel like screaming, daddy is to lenient and always has excuses, my son is a special needs child and his son is a so called star in his small town platteland school, I am at a stage where I despises the fact that he is mean to my son etc, My son is no angel believe me, but I am upset with huppy because there is different rules for his kids then my son, it is not fair and my stepson is at the age of 10 a mean little boy who thinks way to much of himself, and hubby is blind, my son is sensitive and at the moment very withdrawn, my husband''s brag alot about his son, frankly it is great if he is doing well but it is getting old now, my son feels inadequete at the moment. My hubby''s kids has some sense of entitlement towards our household and I can relate that you feel irritated , I feel the same, my hubby''s mom has a very low tollerance for his kids because of the bratty attitude, they are mean kids and hubby is very blind, our figths is alway because of his rules and kids , The last week of the holiday I wanted to run away , but cant because I do love them and hubby and we need to sort things out be he never listens to me, but the step son gets out of hand now and I just ignore it, good luck and get profesional advise if needed, your hubby needs to get over his guilt trip and handle his daughter , that is the first step because kids smell fear and feed on it, My hubby also has the guilt trip and he needs to get over it , it is getting to much now, one rule counts for all kids not just for one. He is more strict with his step son then his own kids, and that is a fact , his ex also told them that I am not allowed to sort them out when needs be and If I do there will be hell, but they feed on this, check with your hubby to talk to the ex maybe she is being influenced, that is also the reason for the behaviour.

Reply to just saying!

Posted by: B | 2012/04/11

Thanks for the advice... I really appreciate it.

I know it is going to have to be a big mindset change for me as I am currently at the very irritated stage with her and (sorry to say it) am finding it hard to like her because of her behaviour and how she treats my son. it is bad I know to say that..

I am more than willing to put in the effort though so long as my fiancee is going to be committed to the discipline side of things with her, as currently he is very soft and lets a lot slide instead of following through or being consistent with her.

Thanks again... I will hopefully be able to give you updates on how it is going,.

Reply to B

Posted by: Blue Spark | 2012/04/11

Wow, it is almost like my own story. What we have done with my dh''s son, who was 5 years older than my son was the following:
1) Own space is very important - so that will be a good move
2) Him spending time alone with his daughter
3) Make her feel special and wanted, remember, she is the outsider and it is difficult for her to just slide in and be a family member. let her for ex choose friday supper
4) Do not dwell too much on the decipline, it will only deteriorate the relationship, be a bit more lenient, if she was living with you permanently it would be a different story. But also do not tolarate the redicioulous.
5) You should not dicipline her, it is her fathers job, rather become a close " aunt" to her -
6) Always tell her you love her and do try to treat the kids equaly
7) You should also spend alone time with her, eg shop for her clothers, drink a milkshake etc

good luck it is a very tough situation to be in.

Reply to Blue Spark

Posted by: Lauren | 2012/04/10

Dear B. I feel for you, I know exactly what you going through, you not being one sided you trying to fill the gap with your fiance''s child, the suggestion you made regarding his daughter spend 1 whole day with him is very good and also for you and your son, to avoid all these hiccups why don''t you contact Clair Markatos she is very clued up and trained in all area''s, go to her site. Google Claire Marketos and log into Inspired Parenting, you can even phone her for advice. Good Luck

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