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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2009-02-19

Closure

I am coloured and dating a zulu guy, this is not the first time Im in a multiracial relationship but its the first time I experienced dealing with someone like my ex (or thats what I call him). He never calls and we never see each other, needless to say I assume that this relationship is over. He has different personalities, one day he is so nice and the next he thinks nothing to insult me. I confided in a elderly person that both he and I have respect for, and yesterday this person apparently saw him and reprimanded him about how he is treating me and told my ex that if he doesnt want me he needs to cut all ties. Yesterday for the first time in 3 weeks I saw my ex, we spoke a bit but nothing serious, I just want closure from this relationship because I believe it can no longer be salvaged. I feel that when we started dating we didnt do it over the phone but face to face and we should break up like adults, and not beat around the bush. I just feel that if one day I meet someone I shouldnt be thinking that I never closed off my last relationship. He refuses to respond to my e-mails, sms' s and calls. Should I just close this chapter of my life off and move on with an open mind, but then what if he comes back and says that I have been cheating. What do I do in these circumstances?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Where there are cultural differences, it may be harder than usual ( and its usually not easy, anyway ) to be sure whether what's troubling you within a relationship is due to cultural vactors or ( as it usually is ) purely personal factors. When you're describing someone who blows hot and cold, and treats you diffeently on different occasions, that sounds entirely personal. While cultural factors may affect the over-all style of how he treats women, these wouldn't expect him to vary this approach Discussing things with a mutually respected older person, as you have done, sounds sensible.
If he isn't responding to your different atempts to reach him, there's nothing to be gained by more e-mails, etc. That's a common error we make --- when one type of approach doesn't work, there's no point in just doing the same thing only harder or more often. If ou want to move on, and that sounds like a sensible idea, do so --- simply notify him that the elationship is over and that you're moving on, and leave him no excuse for wandering back with different expectations

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