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Question
Posted by: Mary | 2010/03/11

Clingy boyfriend...trapped...help!

The background to this problem is that I broke up with my bf of 2 years in Oct 2009. It was not amicable. Two days later a close friend, X, expressed his interest in me.The feelings were not mutual and I told him this but we continued to regularly hang out with him and his best friend, Z. X''s feelings deepened to the point of love but I still felt nothing and rejcted his advances, making sure I wasnt encouraging him, which he said I wasnt.

Then on NYE I made the mistsake of playfully telling Y that I could see us together, moreso than me and X. Y who has never had a gf in all his years, was suprised, but a few days later started acting like we were a couple, as if it was a foregone conclusion that we were together and that I too wanted a relationship. I never intended to have a rel, I was thinking more along the lines of kissing &  seeing where it went and meant what I said on NY lightly. In hindsight, this may have been a rebound type situation.

Things escalated in the next few days to the point where he wanted a relationship. We kept this quiet from X and all our friends fearing his and their reactions but realised we would have to talk to him which we planned to do. X however, preempted us by asking our intentions and the whole thing blew up with X reacting at my " deception" . The result was that none of our close group of friends would talk to us because of the " betrayal"  of X, despite there being no prospect of a relationship between us.

3 months later we still have had no contact with these friends and I have never spoken to X again.

The problem is with Y. He has never been in a relationship before. He is 30 and a virgin. We have now been together for 2 months. In the beginning I warned him that I refused to be in a relationship where I was not in love with the other person. He agreed that it was not right. We therefore spoke about this and agreed to see how things stand at the end of March. Although I like him, I do not love him. He on the other hand has fallen in love with me...his first gf.

He is very clingy and emotional. I dont know how to handle this. Although I like him, sexually there are problems because I had to teach him how to kiss. In 2 months we have only progressed to " petting"  eachother. He makes me feel awkward and it is hard to enjoy a physical relationship because of this. I feel myself avoiding it at all costs.

The deadline of end March is looming and I know he does not even want to consider it as he is in love with me. I however want out of this situation as I do not share the same feelings of love. But the thought of breaking his heart by telling him that the feelings of love are not reciprocated and leaving him with no friends or support group (while I have many other groups of friends) is causing me alot of anguish.

Please help! I dont know what to do. My old group of friends already probably consider me a temptress who " seduced"  Y into destroying his friendship with his best friend. They will consider me EVIL if I break up with Y and leave him heart broken.

HELP!



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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Eish, complex indeed.
But the basic elements are so predictable. Folks, never rush into a new relationship soon after a breakup - the new relationsip is likely to provoke a new wound, and is not to be used like a bandage.
And frankly, from your own description, it sounds as though you were foollish and cruel in leading this guy on when you had no intention of allowing what you suggested was happening. It sounds as though you enjoy creating these needlessly complex soap-opera type plots and situations, though they bring happiness to nobody.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: Sam | 2010/03/12

Just leave him. Your feelings are never going to change, and in the end, you are going to be stuck in a relationship with a man you love as a friend and not anything else, and you won''t want to leave him, because you feel sorry for him - been there,done that - frog in hot water!

Reply to Sam
Posted by: postman pat | 2010/03/12

i agree end the so called relationship because it''s gonna get harder by postponing the break-up

Reply to postman pat
Posted by: Woman | 2010/03/12

Put your foot down, tell him that it''s not going to work between the two of you and that it''s better to just move on. That is the least hurtful thing to do in the long run. Honesty is always the best way to go. Tell yourself that those who matter won''t mind, and those who mind don''t matter.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Mary | 2010/03/11

I never lead him on...me telling him that I could see myself with him was honest...Because I did / do have feelings for him. But not to the extent to warrant a long term relationship. And no I dont enjoy creating all this drama! And the inference that I do is hurtful.

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Bongi | 2010/03/11

Ow my Gosh - that''s complicated. Better you than me. Askies.

Reply to Bongi
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/03/11

Eish, complex indeed.
But the basic elements are so predictable. Folks, never rush into a new relationship soon after a breakup - the new relationsip is likely to provoke a new wound, and is not to be used like a bandage.
And frankly, from your own description, it sounds as though you were foollish and cruel in leading this guy on when you had no intention of allowing what you suggested was happening. It sounds as though you enjoy creating these needlessly complex soap-opera type plots and situations, though they bring happiness to nobody.

Reply to cybershrink

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